Daily Chuckle

[dlsmith]

I still have a key to open one of those, from when I worked in a restaurant back in the 60s and 70s and had to change the towel rolls.

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[Magicman]

Forgive your enemies

Toward the end of a recent church service, the minister asked his congregation "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

Eighty percent held up their hands. The minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small, sweet elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual," the minister replied. "How old are you?"

"Ninety-Eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones! Would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live 98 years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said "I outlived all the old bags."

 

[i7win7]

Moved to the country for security reasons but, the commute is hell

 

[Magicman]

That's wild and it looks like if/when you get off you will certainly go through the toll booth. I wonder how much toll it took to build that??

 

[bmblank]

Moved to the country for security reasons but, the commute is hell
View attachment 56558

Looks like the yooper loop.

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[Magicman]

I've sure gotten old!
> I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
> new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
> I'm half blind,
> can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
> take 40 different medications that
> make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
> Have bouts with dementia.
> Have poor circulation;
> hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
> Can't remember if I'm 78 or 87
> Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
> I still have my driver's license.

 

[bronc71]

This is a good one.

Vasectomy

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys.

The nurse then takes off all of her clothes and climbs on top, and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that, before a vasectomy, if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient down the hall to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall, the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room, masturbating.

Curious, the man asks,"What are they doing in there?"

The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

 

[i7win7]

 

[Magicman]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks, over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, look, its not the same hat!' or, 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!' or hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day.. and then 2 days ... and then 3 days

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said,

'OK, I give up. where's the ship???

 

[i7win7]

WARNING: Smoking in restroom strictly prohibited

 

[Old_Paint]

 

[Magicman]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[i7win7]

View attachment 56693

That's my cue to goto the airport.