Daily Chuckle

[D2Cat]

Saw this sign on a fence post at the end of a driveway.

"Prayer is the best way to meet the Lord. Breaking in this house is the fastest".

 

[bh115577]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can***8217;t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?

Husband:A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. Walnut gun rack with my customized 12 guage and a gold plated Winchester 30-30. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting...

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck.!

 

[skeets]

Poor guy,,,

 

[sawmill]

Can......You......Hear......Me......Now?????

 

[ShaunBlake]

Husband: My wife is missing...

How the heck did she get her hands on the key?!! I mean, I know that a guy would never leave a gun or truck key out, unsecured.

 

[skeets]

HUH,,,, YEAH I THINK IT NEEDS MORE BASS

 

[bh115577]

Mayday, mayday!"

an air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin
engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the
employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a
cellular phone.

He yelled, "mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack.
I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took
off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at
18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!"

the employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

"calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few>
questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!"

he began his series of questions:

Tower: "how do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

aircraft: "i can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in
front of me."

tower: "okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at
180 mph?"

aircraft: "i can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of
me."

tower: "okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how do you
know you're flying upside down?"

aircraft: "the chit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

 

[seanbarr]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench one afternoon when the subject of sex came up.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few long moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Newlyme]

A Senior Citizen trying to set their password.

Windows: Please enter your new password.
User: cabbage

Windows: Sorry, the password must be more than eight characters.
User: boiled cabbage

Windows: Sorry, the password must contain one numerical character.
User: 1 boiled cabbage

Windows: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
User: 50damnboiledcabbages

Windows: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
User: 50DAMNboiledcabbages

Windows: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
User: 50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!

Windows: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
User: ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMe Access Now

Windows: Sorry, that password is already in use.

 

[Newlyme]

Beware Fellas, The girls are goin' Hi Tech on us!
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

 

[Newlyme]

I think Tech Support has our back.
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, and Beer 6.1.

What ever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs in the background and will eventually seize control of all your system resources). In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good luck,
Tech Support

 

[ipz2222]

Got up as usual, took my medicine and went to work. Wife called around 10:30, How you feeling?? I responded, "feel pretty good". Did you know you took my medicine with estrogen this morning, she asked??? I replied,, so that's why I've been thinking about going shopping!!! This is not a joke, it really happened to me!!!

 

[ShaunBlake]

Saints Dominic, Francis of Assisi, and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the birth of Our Lord.

St. Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.

St. Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.

St. Ignatius of Loyola takes Mary and Joseph aside and asks, “Have you given any thought to his education?”

 

[bmblank]

Saints Dominic, Francis of Assisi, and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the birth of Our Lord.

St. Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.

St. Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.

St. Ignatius of Loyola takes Mary and Joseph aside and asks, “Have you given any thought to his education?”

I'm a bad Christian, I don't understand that joke at all.

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

 

[Yooper]

Man overhears his son saying prayers. At the end he says "and may Grandpa rest in peace".
The next day Grandpa dies.

Few months later he overhears him say "and may Uncle John rest in peace". The next day, Uncle John died.

Six months later he overhears him say " and may Daddy rest in peace".

He freaks out at hearing this! Can't sleep that night. Calls in sick to work the next day. Vows not to eat or drink anything that day. Locks the doors in the house and gives the order to not let anyone in.

Mid day his wife hollers "Honey come here quick! I think the mail man died on our front porch!"

 

[D2Cat]

My New Ford Truck

Nothing like a Ford Truck built by a company we didn't bail out... I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure-- it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.

I returned it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated. "Nelson", the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant " Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles", I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new Ford truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, "Dumb A$$!" Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

Dam, I love this Ford truck....

 

[D2Cat]

Children are quick thinkers

____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

 

[Daren Todd]

Ford is moving there compact car manufacturing to Mexico. They are renaming the "Fiesta" to the "Siesta". There is one catch though. The car will not function between 1pm and 3pm daily

 

[Daren Todd]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[sheepfarmer]

Funny you should mention it, but my sheep wouldn't sucker for corn this morning either, must have seen the little tool box I carry the needles, syringes etc around in! Had to get the DOG out to get them in the barn.