Daily Chuckle

[North Idaho Wolfman]

A wife treats her hubby by taking him to a strip club for his birthday...
At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, How are you?"
The wife asks, "How does he know you?"
Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
Inside the bartender says, "The usual, Jim?"
Jim says to wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team."
Next a stripper says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave anything Special again?"
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi...
The Taxi driver says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..."
Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

 

[bh115577]

Back on June 9th, a group of Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe... Why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[Daren Todd]

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat.

A Republican and Democrat were walking down the side walk and approached a homeless person. The republican handed the homeless person a a buisiness card, and said "here, call the office in the morning for a job". Then reached into his pocket and handed him a twenty to get some food.

A little later on they approached another homeless person. The Democrat, not to be out done. Reached into the Republicans pocket, took out a twenty. Kept $15 for themselves for "administration fees" and gave $5 to the homeless person.

 

[D2Cat]

This was posted on a forum where the discussion was about getting rid of Carpenter Bees.

"Hate them! I have one of those bug zappers that looks like a tennis racket - it's my guilty, somewhat sadistic pleasure. I believe there is an old thread about carpenter bees (maybe referred to as wood bees); someone made their own trap & evidently it worked great but the key is to catch a female - although I have no clue how you would tell the difference."


"If it has a telephone stuck in its ear its a female. A beer in its hand it's a male."

 

[Diydave]

Just saw this one posted on somd free section of craig's list, tonight...

http://smd.craigslist.org/zip/5701670657.html

 

[skeets]

Black Bra & Heels (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.........
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........
(you are going to love this..)




"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

[Diydave]

A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede

in the box,
"Would you like to go
down the pub with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer
from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
down the pub with me ?"

But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.

This time he
put his face up against
the centipede's box and shouted,



"Hey, you in there!
Would you like
to

go

to
the

pub

with

me?

.....

This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I'm putting my " F " ing shoes on!"

 

[Yooper]

Man walks in a bar with bag and sets it down and orders a beer. He reaches into the bag and pulls out a small piano and seat and sets it on the bar. Then he reaches into the bag and pulls out this little man in a tuxedo and sets him on the seat. He proceeds to start playing a beautiful song on the piano.

A guy sitting next to him is totally amazed by what he is witnessing, and says "Where did you get this?" The man once again reached into the bag and pulled out a lamp. "Rub this lamp, a Genie will come out and grant you a wish."

So the guy rubs the lamp and sure enough, out pops a Genie and says "I'll grant you one wish." The guy says immediately, " I want a million bucks!" The Genie nods his head and goes back in the lamp.

Then suddenly they hear this awful noise coming from outside, and when they look, here is a million ducks in the parking lot. The guy says to the man with the bag, "Hey, your Genie doesn't hear too well does he?"

The man replies, "You're telling me? Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

 

[Diydave]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."
Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...
"Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Mohammad!"

 

[sawmill]

My wife asked me, Honey, what's my favorite flower?" I answered, "I'm not sure but I'll guess Gold Medal All purpose?" Guessing I was wrong because she didn't speak to me for four days! At least she didn't stab me!!

 

[olthumpa]

Three blonds walk into a building.
You would have thought that one of them would have seen it.

 

[sawmill]

.............

 

[D2Cat]

Classic and simplified problem solving!

Subject: Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

Guy goes to a psychiatrist and says: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," said the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," said the guy.

Six months later the psychiatrist met the guy on the street and asked, "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?"

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" he said with a bit of an attitude, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."


FORGET THE SHRINKS....HAVE A DRINK....& TALK TO A BARTENDER!

IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION.

 

[skeets]

An 80 year old man winds up married to a 25 year old model
And on their wedding night she smiles at him and says I need sex 7 days a week
The old guy thought for a second and said thats wonderful


Put me down for Monday

 

[skeets]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient"

I'm a ***8203; professional. ***8203; ***8203;In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."


"Okay then," said Mike, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.


Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.


Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't ***8203; ***8203; happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"



"It's swollen," Mike replied.


She ran out of the room.

 

[85Hokie]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient"

I'm a ***8203; professional. ***8203; ***8203;In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."


"Okay then," said Mike, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.


Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.


Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't ***8203; ***8203; happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"



"It's swollen," Mike replied.


She ran out of the room.

he musta used them mini blue pills!

 

[D2Cat]

BAGPIPE Funeral

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow
that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the South West
of Western Australia.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the South West, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men
for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the
vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I
started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

 

[Newlyme]

Old Farmer Clyde got called into court and charged with insurance fraud.
Farmer Clyde had a car accident. The lawyer for the insurance company was questioning Clyde, Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine."
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."
"I didn't ask for the details", the lawyer interrupted!
"Just answer the question." Did you not say at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine".
Clyde said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again, "Judge I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the crime this man told the Highway Patrol officer on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smashed into my truck on the right side. I was thrown into one ditch and poor Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by the sound of it. Real soon after a Highway Patrolman pulled up. He could hear poor Bessie moanin' and a groanin' too. So he went over to her to check. After he looked at her he pulled out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and asked, "How are you feeling?"
Now what the heck would you say?!"

 

[skeets]

I'm so angry right now !!!!!!!!.
I had to leave the house to run around the corner (gas station) to pick up a few things. I run my errand and I go back home. The front door had been knocked off the hinges, stuff everywhere, and apparently, they were looking for something.
So I'm stuck outside with the police officer and they are inside searching through the house. They checked inside my closets under the mattress. They tore my things apart. So as you can imagine, I'm getting upset, and I'm trying to figure out what's going on. I ask if they had a search warrant, and if I could see it. The cop yells,Where did you hide it? We know it's here! We are searching." Then I yell back, "
If I had any idea of what you're looking for sir, maybe I could help!" He says to me " you wanna go to jail?" so I shut up and watch one of the other police officers look down at his phone. Then he shouts,"GuysStop! Hold on. We're in the wrong house!




The Pokemon is next door !"


If you fell for this, like I did,feel free to copy and paste.

Don't take life to seriously, and enjoy your day!

 

[sawmill]

.............