Daily Chuckle

[Corney]

For an outsider like me it is impossible to understand all this mud throwing at the candidates for the leadership of the greatest democracy in the world!

Anders

This is a accurate observation as I am an outsider as well, albeit a lot closer.

I guess when Trump builds that wall on our border we will be further apart!

This is the most I have ever paid attention to an election in the USA, I guess this is the era of media sensationalism.

 

[Daren Todd]

Ok folks, Let's get back to some jokes


One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John. “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

 

[Daren Todd]

Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home. Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring, the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table. “Thank you”, said the nominee after being offered more for the 3rd time, “why don’t you have some yourself?” “Oh, I can’t eat it” said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.” “So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee. “Oh, I like the chocolate around it” was the glib reply.

 

[Daren Todd]

While working the lunch shift at a local restaurant, I watched as an elderly couple ate. It seemed as if the man was the only one eating. First his appetizer, then his main, and then finally his dessert. All the while with his wife just looking on, not even touching her food. Confused, I approached the woman and asked if there was anything I could get for her. “No thank you,” came her answer, “it’s his turn for the teeth.”

 

[Diydave]

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of **** sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my arse started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

This is even worse than the poison ivy I once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My arse crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my arse. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my arse when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my ******* was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your arse. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Brian

 

[skeets]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM- she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.

"The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."


So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a mild heart attack."

 

[skeets]

It has become known today, by a source wishing to remain anonymous due to the fact they cannot speak on the subject. Just what the short conversation between the Clinton's and and Loretta Lynch..
Loretta,, Hi Bill, Hillary you know we cant be seen talking like this,,,

Bill,, Oh not to worry, we just wanted to bring you a safety tip

Loretta,,, A safety tip?

Bill... Did you know that 9 out of 10 accidents are preventable ,,, just sayin

 

[Daren Todd]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Diydave]

A Connecticut soft drink company is hoping to add a little pop to this year's presidential election by releasing two specialty sodas named for the presumptive nominees.

Avery's Beverages, a 112-year-old soda maker in New Britain, is offering Trump Tonic and Hillary Hooch -- named, of course, for Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Hillary Clinton.

It's the third straight presidential campaign that Avery's has offered candidate-based drinks. The company will also be conducting a highly unscientific straw poll to track the race.

Trump Tonic comes with the slogan, "Make America grape again." It's got a bolder flavor than traditional grape soda and is a bit more acidic, says Rob Metz, Avery's general manager.

Hillary Hooch is a berry soda with ingredients that Metz jokes are classified.

"It's not sure exactly what it wants to be," Metz says. "So we've got some strawberry in there, we've got some blue raspberry in there and we added a bunch of lemon for bitterness."

I heard that for your protection, hillary hootch is filtered through 2 kidneys, prior to bottling...

 

[skeets]

I heard they fired the White House gardener yesterday..
He kept asking where the spade and hoe were

 

[Corney]

Oh my skeets!!!!!!

 

[sawmill]

............

 

[Lil Foot]

Where's the spikes?

 

[bmblank]

Not necessary. They're just so traumatized that somebody would vote for Trump that they just curl up into a ball and try to retreat to their safe spaces.

http://www.newsweek.com/emory-trump-chalk-protests-440618

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

 

[skeets]

“I legitimately feared for my life,” a freshman who identifies as Latino told The Daily Beast
Really feared for your life over a word? Give me a freekin break this sniveling little punks will never survive in the real world

 

[Daren Todd]

“I legitimately feared for my life,” a freshman who identifies as Latino told The Daily Beast
Really feared for your life over a word? Give me a freekin break this sniveling little punks will never survive in the real world

I'm a little confused on how "candidate 2016" or "vote candidate 2016" is threatening Mommy and Daddy need to be really proud of the candy a##'s they raised

Wonder how little Johnny is gonna take it when he gets canned from his job because he was "tired" and didn't show up for work

 

[sawmill]

I'm a little confused on how "candidate 2016" or "vote candidate 2016" is threatening Mommy and Daddy need to be really proud of the candy a##'s they raised

Wonder how little Johnny is gonna take it when he gets canned from his job because he was "tired" and didn't show up for work

Or when the boss tells him to quit his b#tchin' and get to work and put on a pair of jeans and get rid of the leotards or he'll fire him.

 

[Daren Todd]

Or when the boss tells him to quit his b#tchin' and get to work and put on a pair of jeans and get rid of the leotards or he'll fire him.

My son had that ho hum attitude when he first started working. He got called into the office and his boss gave him a tube of vagisil and a box of tampons He got the point

He came home that night mad as he## thinking my wife and I were gonna take his side. 20 minutes after telling my wife and I about the "gift". she and I were still rolling on the floor, with tears running down our cheeks laughing so hard our sides hurt

 

[skeets]

OMG that is too funny

 

[Lil Foot]

OMG that is too funny

Agreed!
Sounds like it should happen a lot more!