Daily Chuckle

[Daren Todd]

D2cat, I could see that happening. We had a few dogs, one of which was a beagle mix when I was in high school. Our St. Bernard killed my younger step brothers kitten. It was by accident, he was just trying to play since he was still a pup, but didn't understand his size.

Well dad buried the kitten. The beagle dug it back up. Dad buried it deeper and scolded the beagle. He dug it back up again Mind you, dad's supervising, I'm the one digging the bloody hole.

The whole time, my step brothers really upset. The third time, I dug the hole with the track hoe

 

[Daren Todd]

This was emailed to me from another member

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "***hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Pam (my wife) called him a "****head." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with H@@@@@y 2016 stickers.

 

[sawmill]

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[armylifer]

............

The first two women in your post became knockout gorgeous. The third one showed no improvement. It seems that makeup only works 2/3s of the time

 

[Lil Foot]

That's an insult to horses!

 

[D2Cat]

Bill, what you said was an insult to horses....Well maybe that picture was actually taken a couple of moments too soon. It should have been what hit the ground and piled up.

 

[85Hokie]

Bill, what you said was an insult to horses....Well maybe that picture was actually taken a couple of moments too soon. It should have been what hit the ground and piled up.

I'd say this conversation is starting to pile up and stink!

 

[Diydave]

https://youtu.be/jpl9r8Nionw

 

[skeets]

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system, and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.


I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on e-bay) and ran it up the flag pole …...


Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.


Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat us down.

Hot-Damn ! Safe at last! ! — Ain’t America great or what?

 

[sawmill]

This morning my son called and said "what are you guys doing this morning?"
I said "Mom and I are sitting here playing strip poker."
He said "oh, who's winning?"
I said "well......at our age, I don't know if you would call it winning or losing."

 

[Daren Todd]

In Czechoslovakia, there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and aCzech dissident.
Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, theRussian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slap shim one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier,he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal the kiss and I get slapped."

And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier."

 

[bh115577]

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife.

The Constable said is this your wife sir?

Shocked I answered Yes.

They said we're afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.

I said I know but she has a lovely personality & she's good with the kids.

 

[skeets]

I was playing Hide and Seek
today . I was winning until
the cops let the K9 off the leash...

 

[D2Cat]

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was asked to make that very distinction.


The question by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."


Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.."

 

[Daren Todd]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Never laugh at your girlfriends choices... your one of them.

want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

 

[Diydave]

Just saw these 2, LOL:

https://youtu.be/uKn72K__pm4

https://youtu.be/LdCr4ME7nQc

 

[armylifer]

Just saw these 2, LOL:

https://youtu.be/uKn72K__pm4

https://youtu.be/LdCr4ME7nQc

I saw nothing funny about either of these.

 

[sawmill]

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[Daren Todd]

............

Absolutely Thinking he needs to rethink his approach

 

[D2Cat]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an overweight, older lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..

‘Go get your Mother.’