Daily Chuckle

[Diydave]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo sh1t. It means someone stole the tent'

 

[Daren Todd]

Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.

" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

 

[RCW]

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

His obituary was in the newspaper a few days later..............

 

[Daren Todd]

His obituary was in the newspaper a few days later..............

I know I would be in for a pounding at a minimum if I pulled that on mine


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[Diydave]

Not to beat the lone ranger theme to death, but:

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger is ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ,
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request '

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. "
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request "
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request "
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, , alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully !!!!

FOR, THE, LAST, TIME,

I SAID ,



















"BRING POSSE"

 

[Diydave]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

 

[Diydave]

https://youtu.be/Pc8gH1TVQRg

 

[sawmill]

Don't try this at home.

 

[Daren Todd]

Don't try this at home.

That's what we would call natural selection


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[Corney]

Doubt if he could procreate after a couple pulls?

 

[skeets]

Or even walk,,,LMAO

 

[D2Cat]

This is better reading then "how to fix a tractor".

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/...t-oregon-walmart-thief-lassoed-cattle-rancher

 

[skeets]

Now if he just had time to castrate and brand him

 

[D2Cat]

Cowboy at the Pearly Gates!

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shat out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

 

[Diydave]

This is better reading then "how to fix a tractor".

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/...t-oregon-walmart-thief-lassoed-cattle-rancher

https://youtu.be/UuiLS6l9-bs

 

[olthumpa]

No wonder he can't afford a truck, you are supposed to rope them around the neck.

 

[85Hokie]

This is better reading then "how to fix a tractor".

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/...t-oregon-walmart-thief-lassoed-cattle-rancher

I saw that the other day, I wonder if they gonna outlaw lasso's now too? I mean did he have a carry permit? Someone will find something that he did that was wrong.........me, I think he should get a medal!

 

[85Hokie]

Now if he just had time to castrate and brand him

OR teach him HOW not to use THAT chainsaw!

 

[sawmill]

This airplane was going to crash and all the passengers were putting on parachutes. This welder picked up his welding leads and hung them on his shoulder and headed for the exit. The stewardess said "Sir, you don't have a parachute". The welder says "Don't worry, these leads will hang up on something before I hit the ground".

 

[armylifer]

This airplane was going to crash and all the passengers were putting on parachutes. This welder picked up his welding leads and hung them on his shoulder and headed for the exit. The stewardess said "Sir, you don't have a parachute". The welder says "Don't worry, these leads will hang up on something before I hit the ground".

That joke is only funny to anyone that has ever arc welded.