Daily Chuckle

[Daren Todd]

How to be politically correct with men!!

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.

He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.

He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.

He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.

He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.

He does not act like a TOTAL A## - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

 

[skeets]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked:
“If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?” “No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied. “Will you spend this on Harley parts and Biker Babes instead of food?” the man asked. “Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t rode a Harley in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and riding.”

 

[olthumpa]

Well skeets,
You have a Harley -
You drink Guinness - (I guess that passes for beer)
As for personal hygiene - sometimes being ignore is better

 

[skeets]

Well thats good because I havent stopped riding or having an occasional glass of heaven

 

[Daren Todd]

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[Daren Todd]

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.


Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.


Mrs. Mueller is first.


"What do you wish for yourself?"


"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."


"Okay, that shall be granted to you."


Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.


Next it is Mueller’s mother-in-law’s turn.


"What do you wish for yourself?"


"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."


"Okay, that shall be granted to you."


The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.


Then comes Mueller himself.


"What do you wish for yourself?"


"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"


"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."


"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."


The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"


"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

 

[Daren Todd]

Insurance Claim
Wednesday, July 11, 2001

(Straight from the Virginia State Police, Insurance Fraud Division, Dinwiddie County)

A Charlotte, North Carolina man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay,

citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued and won.

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires."

After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on twenty-four counts of ARSON. With his own insurance claim and testimony for the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to twenty-four months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

 

[sawmill]

A guy goes to a sexy female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.
"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them.

"What are they?" he says.
"Viagra," says the dentist.
"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

 

[Diydave]

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from rolling out of bed."

 

[Daren Todd]

Wash. Biol. Surv.

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the
metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag
migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address
of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas
camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a
crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to
tell you, it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

 

[sawmill]

Okay Daren, you started with the Arkansas jokes.


WINDERS XP:

A special Arkansas edition of Windows XP has been developed.
It is distinguished by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP, and has a a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.
Other differentiating features:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4- Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ARKANSAS EDITION:
OK... ats aw-right
Cancel... stopdat
Reset... try er agin
Yes... yep
No... noop
Find... hunt fer it
Go to... over yonder
Back... back yonder
Help... hep me out here
Stop... kwitit
Start... crank er up
Settings... settins
Programs... stuff at duz stuff
Documents... stuff ah done did
Also note that ARKANSAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders XP:
Tiperiter... A word processing program
Colerin book... a graphics program
cyferin mersheen... Calculator
outhouse paper... notepad
iner-net... Microsoft Explorer 6.0
pichers... A graphics viewer
I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho

 

[Daren Todd]

Ok sawmill Take to

Q: What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

Q: Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

Q. What do Razorbacks do on Halloween?
A. Pump kin!

Q: What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: Which state has the most pirates?
A: Arrrrrrrkansas.

Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

Q: What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
A: Nice tooth!

Q: Why did forrest Gump choose 'Bama over Arkansas?
A: He wanted an academic challenge!!

Q: What does an Arkansas State grad call a Razorback grad in 5 years?
A: Boss! I'm not saying Arkansas basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game. The rest will dress themselves.

Q: Why is "The Wave" banned in Reynolds Razorback Stadium?
A: Two Arkansas fans drowned last year.

Q: What happens when blondes move from Alabama to Arkansas?
A: Both states become smarter!

Q: Why do University of Arkansas baksetball players use body heat activated deodorant?
A: Because it's the closet they will come to getting a "Degree".

Q: Why do Arkansas Tech students have such beautiful noses?
A: They're hand picked.

Q: Why did Arkansas State disband its water polo team?
A: All the horses drowned.

Q: What does it say on the back of every Arkansas State diploma?
A: Will Work For Food.

Q: Why did the South Arkansas Community College grad cross the road?
A: Better question why is he out of jail?

 

[sawmill]

My wife and I lived in Fort Smith for a while in 1962. I loved it when we would leave the grocery store and they would say "Y'all come back now, hear?"

After about a month my wife was talking just like them.

 

[Daren Todd]

A Teacher Gave Her Fifth Grade Class An Assignment

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? "Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!

 

[Diydave]

https://youtu.be/sFBOQzSk14c

 

[Newlyme]

With the summer Olympics coming up I started thinking about all of the great athletes that we have seen through the years. When I got to 1976 Decathlon how could you not remember Bruce Jenner's great performance. He was the man. Uh, she...he...she...

 

[Newlyme]

...he...she...he...she...
Oh never mind!

 

[Daren Todd]

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the truth, "he replied,"Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!"

 

[Daren Todd]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife "sleepily" sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

 

[D2Cat]

I saw this on the CattleToday forum. I have a hard time believing it actually happened.....


I got home yesterday afternoon and was greeted by my dog that had a muddy rabbit in her mouth. Didn’t think much about it until I noticed underneath all the mud it was a white tame rabbit. My first thought was OH CRAP! Knowing that my neighbor’s daughter was the only one around us that had pet rabbits I was really scared that this would cause major problems with otherwise great neighbors.

Since it had dog slobber and mud all over it the only thing I could think of was to bathe the rabbit and return it back to the pen. So, I drew up soapy water and gave it a bath, then blow dried it until it was nice and fluffy. I waited until I knew they were in bed and quietly went over there and returned the rabbit to the empty pen. I put it in a position that would make Sarah think it died during the night in its sleep. Nevertheless, I didn’t get much sleep last night.

About 7:00 this morning I heard a knock on my door and when I opened it there stood Sarah’s dad, Jim. I said, “Good morning, Jim, how are you?” He said he was okay, but asked if I had seen anything funny going on around here? I asked him what he meant by funny and he said, “Ya know, anything suspicious? I told him that I was gone most of the day and hadn’t seen anything out of the ordinary.

He said, “Well, we’ve got a sick son-of-a-bytch running around here.” I asked him what he was talking about and he said, “Well, one of Sarah’s pet rabbits died yesterday morning and we didn’t have any choice but to bury it in a muddy part of the backyard. Sarah was heartbroken, but was dealing with it fairly well until this morning. I asked him about this morning and he said, “Whatever sick son-of-a-bytch it was went and dug up that rabbit, bathed, dried it off and put it back in her pen last night, and if I catch him he’s a dead man.” Then he turned and left really pi$$ed off.

Well, I’m beside myself and don’t know what to do.