Daily Chuckle

[Daren Todd]

The Deep South:

"Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
You can rent a movie and buy bait at the same place.
"He needed killin" is a valid defense.
Everywhere is either "over yonder," "in yonder" or "out yonder"
Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, Mary Jo, etc.

New York City:

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Iowa on a map.
You've worn out a car horn. ( If you have a car)
You think Central Park is nature.
You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

Wyoming:

Your idea of a traffic jam is waiting for cattle to cross the road or three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
You've never met any celebrities but the mayor knows your name.
You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

Phoenix, Arizona

You know the difference between "dry heat" and what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
You are happy to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
You have over one hundred recipes for Mexican food.
You can drive for four hours in one direction and not leave town.
The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

California:

The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

Minnesota:

Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup
You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or it was different.”

Colorado:

You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center for her.
You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
The top of your head is bald but you still have a pony tail.
A pass does not involve dating or a football.

Florida:

Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, podiatrist, dermatologist, proctologist or orthopedist.
You use a coupon for everything you buy, even houses and cars.
You eat dinner at 4:00 P.M.
Cars in front of you sometimes appear to be driven by headless people.
Road construction never ends.

 

[seanbarr]

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, ''My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?'' ''Well,'' drawls the farmer, ''you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.''
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. ''Okay,'' she says.

After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, ''Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?''
They say, ''Huh?''
She says, ''The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.'' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ''Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?''
''Yeah,'' says Luke, ''I remember.''
''Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?'' asks Jed.
''Nope,'' says Luke, ''I reckon not.''
''Me neither,'' says Jed. ''Let's take these things off.''


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Daren Todd]

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

 

[Daren Todd]

The following is seen in a Florida newspaper:

Ever had a day like this?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.

The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushed it outside.

Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

This story redefines what it is to have a bad day.

 

[Daren Todd]

Questions asked in a courtroom can be very revealing... especially in the South. Even of an old, sweet lady many would be happy to call grandma.

In a trial in the heart of the South, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly woman he had known since childhood, to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Coolidge. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit lawyer. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Whitaker, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Of course, I do. I've known Mr. Johnson since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney turned red with embarssment.

The judge upon hearing the questions and answers thusfar asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

 

[olthumpa]

LMAO Daren

Haven spent a fair amount of time in court rooms, I have seen and heard a number of good ones.

An old dairy farmer on the witness stand:
Defense attorney, " Mr smith, (that was his last name), do you know the defendant?"

Mr. Smith, " No, I never met the guilty SOB"

Took the judge 10 min to regain order.

 

[sawmill]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that.


The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.

He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have..

Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,*"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,*"Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

 

[Diydave]

Was up in amish country today, at an auction. The auctioneer's dad was tellin amish jokes, lets see if I can remember some of them:

3 amish women were digging potatoes, and one of them came up with 2 big potatoes, held them up, and said, these remind me of my jakey. One of the others said, what, are they that big?

No, she replied, they are that dirty!!!

Then they got to talking about their husbands, (all Who are named Jacob)

First one says lets not call them Jakey, lets name them after a soda pop, so's we know who we are talking about. I'll start, I call my husband 7 up, cause its 7 inches long, and is always up...

Next one says mine is mountain dew, cause he always wants to mount and do me...

Last one says i'll call mine Jack Daniels, and the others say that's not a soft drink, thats a hard liquor!

Last one says he sure is...

 

[Daren Todd]

During an exam, a police recruit was asked what he would do if his job required him to arrest his own mother. His response was, "Call for backup."

 

[Daren Todd]

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Yankee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Southerners.

They all board the train. The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Southerners don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Southerner.

When they board the train, the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

 

[DaTow'd]

Allah be praised!!!

A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold.

When he arrived there he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven.

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. And since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"

 

[D2Cat]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

“I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[Daren Todd]

Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and he's not moving."

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"

 

[Daren Todd]

Here are some headlines that should have been rewritten

THUGS EAT THEN ROB PROPRIETOR

NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD

TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS WHEN OVERPASS IS READY

GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS

IRAQUI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY

NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION

LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS

CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

CITY PACT FIGHT BOILS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

SWAZI KING, 2 SONS POISON SUSPECTS

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE

MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

ADMITS SHOOTING HUSBAND FROM STAND DURING TRIAL

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANNT

HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS

CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MANN

NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY

DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1, 000 IN '84

AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY: LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER

20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS REQUIRE SOME STUDY FOR GRADUATION

BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

SCENT FOUL PLAY IN DEATH OF MAN FOUND BOUND AND HANGED

MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN: POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELINGS OF ISOLATION

 

[Daren Todd]

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their
looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.
If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed
to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist,
the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday, their father
loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The
optimist's room, he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him
sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all these
instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly
need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the
pessimistic twin.

Passing the optimistic twin's room, the father found him dancing for
joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimistic twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in
here somewhere!"

 

[sawmill]

...........

 

[armylifer]

...........

Amen Brother!

 

[Daren Todd]

Excuse notes received by teachers

Excuse notes received by teachers...

Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.

 

[Daren Todd]

Exam Answers

The following are all answers written by children taking exams...

1. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

2. "H3O is hot water, and CO3 is cold water"

3. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

4. "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

5. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

6. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

7. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

8. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

9. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

10. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

11. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

12. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

13. "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

14. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

15. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

16. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in his fight."

17. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

18. "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

19. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

20. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

21. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."

22. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

23. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

24. "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

25. "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

26. "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

27. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

28. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

29. "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

30. "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

31. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

32. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

33. "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

 

[Daren Todd]

How to be Politcally Correct with Woman

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE