Daily Chuckle

[Bmyers]

 

[xrocketengineer]

View attachment 57955

This is in the wrong category. It should be under "New posts"

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

How the blackout started

 

[Magicman]

Ah man, that is sooo bad. (I was referring to the sparks, but the bolt cutter is too)!!

 

[Magicman]

While shopping for vacation clothes, the husband and the wife passed a display of bathing suits. She commented that it had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice.
"What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He is still in ICU.

 

[Daren Todd]

Ah man, that is sooo bad. (I was referring to the sparks, but the bolt cutter is too)!!

Thats actually a pretty common occurrence in lift stations when scrap prices go up. They go in and steel anything not nailed down. I've lost count of the late nights dropping off pumps to sewer lift stations because someone went in with a set of bolt cutters and stole all the wire.

 

[Old_Paint]

The town drunk in my home town drove a wheel horse.

Thank God now we have Grub Hub and the town drunk can keep his dignity.

My ex-wife was the town drunk where we lived. Never got so much as a warning ticket, despite getting pulled over uncountable times. Me? I'd get cited for not having my blinker on long enough for a lane change.

 

[Old_Paint]

How the blackout started
View attachment 57998

Darwin was right.

 

[chim]

How the blackout started
View attachment 57998

Back in '79 a coworker had his restored 66 Chevy Malibu stolen when he stopped to pick up a few things at a Sears store. Several months passed with no news. Then the police contacted him and told him they found it. There were some poorly executed mods (hood pins, speakers cut into door trims, etc).

The car was found along the train tracks with a fried kid nearby. Seems the alleged car thief was also a copper thief who lacked a voltage tester and managed to use a similar cutter to reach the wrong wire from the steel pole he climbed.

The thief's mom wanted to keep the car because he bought it fair and square, and she was going to sell it to pay for the kid's funeral.

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Magicman]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?

"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

 

[Magicman]

With all the recent advances in reproductive technology and fertility enhancement, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth to her first offspring..

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing a little impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I asked. Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGET WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

 

[bmblank]

View attachment 57838

I thought that was Pat Sajak at first...

 

[bearbait]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
"You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home"
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to kill him with the chair"

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[Magicman]

Wife's letter:

Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what wonderful product you have! I've used it all my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and, somehow, I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my lawyer called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

 

[Bmyers]