Daily Chuckle

[Magicman]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Magicman]

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[Magicman]

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.

'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

 

[Magicman]

The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

 

[mikester]

The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

Reminds me of the quip "In Canada, one third of the population is in the civil service, one third is on some sort of social assistance. The remaining one third pays for the other two thirds."

 

[MNVikingsGuy]

The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

A funny bit, but for those who care, working and vote eligible approx 155,000,000. Vote eligible but retiree, stay at home parent, disabled, in college, unemployed but seeking work approx 70,000,000. Vote eligible under 60 but just choosing not to work is approx 10,000,000. Not thrilled with the last category, but the vast majority are doing their part (or have done their part and retired).

 

[Magicman]

OK, but for those that care, how many of those eligible care to vote.

 

[MNVikingsGuy]

OK, but for those that care, how many of those eligible care to vote.

About 55%

 

[Magicman]

 

[Magicman]

 

[DustyRusty]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… But I fish on Fridays.”

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Magicman]

 

[Magicman]

To promote their Founder's Days event the town of Skagway Alaska sponsored an "Alaska toughman contest" with the prize of $10,000 in gold dust to the first man who could complete a series of contests representing life in Skagway at its beginning. First the contestant had to drink a full bottle of cheap whisky,, kill a Grizzly bear then make love to an Eskimo woman.

Several had tried but all had failed. Most passed out after drinking the whisky, and one had been torn to shreds by a Grizzly bear. Finally a WV tourist passed by and saw the ad in the bar across from the town hall and decided to enter. He paid his fee, drank the whisky and jumped on the biggest grizzly bear he spotted. The judges heard brush breaking and terrible screams and roars and finally everything went silent. A few minutes late the inebriated hillbilly came out of the brush. He was soaking wet, had several bites to his arms and legs and a big claw mark across the front of his Bibb overalls and he said "Okay, now where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"

 

[D2Cat]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators...

 

[Magicman]

 

[Magicman]