Daily Chuckle

[Bmyers]

 

[Magicman]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.Don't waste ammunition.Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.Always, always make sure you know who has the power.Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

 

[Magicman]

Actual Australian School Answering Machine:

(Snopes says that it is not actually true.)

 

[i7win7]

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

Hooked a big'un

 

[armylifer]

Hooked a big'un

View attachment 68477

Okay, it wins! It's time to cut that line.

 

[orange crusher]

 

[Magicman]

I actually had to do the above on my M4900 when the ground battery attachment broke off.

 

[Magicman]

A STORY OF A BAD DAY!

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a grown man cry."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[i7win7]

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke.
The second old lady has a stroke.
But the third old lady can't reach that far.

 

[DaTow'd]

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They had spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."

The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. "I'll show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.

"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."

"Oh, yes it is actually" replied the African diplomat "One of them is a cannibal."

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Toyboy]

 

[Toyboy]

 

[Magicman]

I just posted this ad in the Personal Column:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in downtown Savannah night before last. date 10-24-2021 - 10:43pm EST.

I was the guy wearing the black burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend while threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just brought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from barefoot since I made you leave your cell phone and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma", as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful.

I also gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinne van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. (That made his day).

Then I threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb... after I had broken the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. T-Mobile just now shut down the phone, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President O'Biden as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember next time you might not be so lucky. Have a Good Day.

Thoughtfully Yours;
Alex

 

[DustyRusty]

 

[Toyboy]

 

[i7win7]

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says," ' Bout what?"

 

[Bmyers]