Daily Chuckle

[Bmyers]

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[Magicman]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.
My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side.
'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear ""Protection "" when you run?'

'Nope...just when it's raining.'

 

[Bmyers]

 

[dirtydeed]

Short story here is that a friend of mine got tossed out of his girlfriends' house and needed a place to "park" his "camper" that he was "renovating". So, my wife and I figured we'd remind him that his travel trailer was still here. Since we're big fans of Halloween, we figured we'd put a bit of spin on the friendly reminder.

If for some chance you don't get the joke you'll need to watch national lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Happy Halloween all.

 

[Goz63]

Short story here is that a friend of mine got tossed out of his girlfriends' house and needed a place to "park" his "camper" that he was "renovating". So, my wife and I figured we'd remind him that his travel trailer was still here. Since we're big fans of Halloween, we figured we'd put a bit of spin on the friendly reminder.

If for some chance you don't get the joke you'll need to watch national lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Happy Halloween all.

View attachment 68788

An annual family tradition watching that movie!

 

[orange crusher]

 

[sagor]

An annual family tradition watching that movie!

Yes, we watch it every Christmas as well. In fact, I even have the "moose mug" to use with my eggnog. My daughter bought it for me a few years back.

 

[i7win7]

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry...I didn't recognize you."

 

[i7win7]

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

 

[RichardAaronlx2610]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Old_Paint]

View attachment 68807

I see the art. But am I the only one that sees Darwin's theory of selectivity at play here?

 

[Magicman]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels." (read it again)
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises.

 

[Bmyers]

 

[i7win7]

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"
"A spider," he replies.
"I don't see anything," she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming...
The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"

 

[Magicman]

On our local septic tank pumper truck,
"A Straight Flush Beats a Full House Anytime"