Daily Chuckle

[Magicman]

Deer Tick Warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.

 

[Magicman]

THESE REALLY AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

 

[ranger danger]

THESE REALLY AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

8. All computer problems can be repaired with a large hammer.

 

[SAR Tracker]

8. All computer problems can be repaired with a large hammer.

9. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

 

[NCL4701]

View attachment 65733

I couldn’t help but wonder what this woman thinks will happen to her if she has a kid and breast feeds it.

 

[ayak]

I couldn’t help but wonder what this woman thinks will happen to her if she has a kid and breast feeds it.

Brings to mind an old Rodney Dangerfield joke when as a baby, his mother wouldn’t breast feed him, ‘she only wanted to be friends’ (I tell ya, I tell ya)

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[i7win7]

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me. And I said, If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.

 

[i7win7]

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

 

[i7win7]

I may not be around in 2084...
But at least I know there's the possibility I may still be voting!

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

A trucker would call this an owner-operator

 

[Magicman]

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!


A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the minister asked the congregation,

'What did you learn from this demonstration???'

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'


That pretty much ended the service.

 

[PHPaul]

Sigh...

 

[Magicman]

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...??

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[Fordtech86]

thought of @RCW s thread yesterday

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[i7win7]

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish.

The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.

The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.

The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest--I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!"

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"

 

[i7win7]

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!