Daily Chuckle

[xrocketengineer]

During my waning years working on the Space Shuttle, the powers from above decided that for every document generated by the contractors preparing the Shuttle for flight and reviewed by the NASA engineers, the NASA engineers would fill out an evaluation sheet to record the number and type of errors found. The intent was to use the information for data collection. The NASA engineers were not too happy about having to fill out the extra evaluation forms and they became commonly called "PITA forms" as in pain in the a... after one of my engineers started using the name.

Eventually the word (of the name) got to the powers above. One of the project engineers was commissioned to send an Email to all the NASA engineers to cease and desist of calling the forms PITA. I could not resist the urge and replied to the Email with my most serious tone that PITA was a formal acronym that it stood for Process Insight and Trend Analysis which was my best BS. My group of engineers got a real kick out of the email apology I received back from the project engineer. Then in the best "Dilbert" tradition the forms were officially named PITA Forms.

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Magicman]

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."
"What makes you think its mine?" the ref asked.
"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!"

 

[Magicman]

Two diners at a very swanky eatery were shocked to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup."
They summoned a waiter to complain. The waiter looked at the menu. Then he threw it down and yelled to the owner in the kitchen, "Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!"

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Magicman]

Maybe you will have some left over:

A football fan's wife says, "I hate it when my husband calls leftovers 'Replays'."
A TV Executive's wife says, "Well my husband calls them 'Reruns'."
Mortician's wife says, "Count yourselves lucky, my husband calls them remains!"

I guess that is better than calling them "Burnt Offerings".

 

[armylifer]

View attachment 54811

I never eat meat on either of those two days.

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Magicman]

Text message between neighbors

Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for
a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you
face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day
and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at
home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too
great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere
apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay
you. Richard

Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door,
and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself
a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone
and discovered a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I
assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had
changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us
all.

 

[Magicman]

TOILET CLEANING INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. !

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[dlsmith]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week.

"Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, But I fish on Fridays!

 

[Magicman]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop. The next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful.

"Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

[sagor]

There is an old bikie sitting on a bench at Bondi (Australia) - he's been through the mill - battered leathers, battered bike, battered man - but underneath both man and bike are sterling stuff and the bike is mechanically perfect.

The bikie is reviewing his life and as he sits he starts talking to god. "I've done bad stuff and I'm sorry - I'll try to be better." "But just this once I'd like to see some response from you - so that I know that you're really there."

A face appears in a cloud overhead and a voice is heard.

"I can see that you're contrite - and I respect your humility - in fact I'm so pleased that I will grant you a wish. "What is it that you really want?"

(This is much more than the geni's traditional offer - it is a test - god is out to see what the bikies real priorities are.)

The bikie is gobsmached and thinks for a minute. "Thanks so much - I wasn't looking to get anything." I suppose though that given the chance - I should think of something." "I know, I've always wanted to ride the bike in New Zealand, could you build a bridge to get me to New Zealand?"

Now it's god who is gobsmacked. "Do you have any idea how difficult that would be - the cost of the materials and the hindrance such a bridge would be to shipping?" "Can you think of anything else to ask for - something a bit more justifiable?"

The bike thinks for a while and then he's got it. "Could you explain women to me?"

Suddenly there is a bit of a cast to god's eye and with no more ado he says: "Will that bridge be two lanes or four?"

 

[Magicman]

I understand the answer.