Daily Chuckle

[Magicman]

A blonde in financial trouble decided to raise money by kidnapping a child.

She went to a park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree, and wrote this note: "I kidnapped your child. I'm sorry, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the statue in the park by 7 a.m.. Signed, A Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park, and found a brown bag behind the statue with $10,000 in it.

Inside the bag, beside the cash, was another note: "Here's your money. I can't believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

 

[Magicman]

While shopping for vacation clothes, she and her husband passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice.

"What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.

 

[MNVikingsGuy]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[bearbait]

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.
Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free Her (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

[orange crusher]

I never knew I was home schooled...
Enjoy!

No code has to be inserted here.

 

[Magicman]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even
the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
'Disregard.' He says, 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

 

[armylifer]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even
the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
'Disregard.' He says, 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

I bet she is a platinum blonde.

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[dlsmith]

 

[Daren Todd]

View attachment 54637

I do have to compliment the barber on the exceptional clipper control and artistic ability

 

[Magicman]

1. The first screw to get loose in your head is the one that holds your tongue in place.

2. You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse for behaving like an idiot.

3. Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea.

4. There are more important things in life than money. The trouble is they all cost money.

5. On sex education in schools: Let them teach it! If the schools teach sex the way they teach everything else, the kids will lose interest anyhow.

6. Somewhere on this globe a woman is giving birth to a child every ten seconds. She must be found and stopped.

7. You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

8. I admit that my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

9. Insanity is hereditary. You can get it from your children.

10. Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

 

[PHPaul]

8. I admit that my wife is outspoken, but by whom?

Okay, that one made me laugh. I stole it...

 

[skeets]

My wife use to say,,, You can always tell an Irishman,,, But you can't tell him much

 

[bmblank]

3. Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea, it is still an idiotic idea.

Along a similar vein... Pure democracy is 2 wolves and a sheep voting on what's for dinner.

 

[xrocketengineer]

The early days of "Safety and Health" in the work place........

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[Magicman]

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Indiana. The Indiana State Wage & Hour
Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent
an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with
me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The
cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free
room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours
every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes
about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife
occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer