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Well-known member
Equipment
2020 L3901HST, LA525 Loader, 66" Q/A Bucket, PFL2042 Forks, Meteor SB68PT Blower
Daily Chuckle
- Thread starter skeets
- Start date
Magicman
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he's too old to fight, he'll just kill you. My Son asked me why I always carry a 45? My answer was because they don't make a 46. 
They do make a couple of 50s though...Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he's too old to fight, he'll just kill you. My Son asked me why I always carry a 45? My answer was because they don't make a 46.
Magicman
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Magicman
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess Who?" the controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess Where?"
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.
“It’s odd though your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?’ ”
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.
“It’s odd though your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, ‘Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?’ ”
Magicman
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
My old Barber retired so I was forced to go elsewhere. I tried out this lady that was cutting hair. As I sat in the chair I said jokingly, "Make me look Sexy". She pulled out a bottle of Bourbon and started drinking. Last time I ask my Wife for a Haircut.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist a colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist a colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
xrocketengineer
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
BX1880, FEL, Grapple, 36 in. Forks, 48in. MMM, Quick Spade, Ripper
True Blonde Story
In the early days of the Space Shuttle, landing at the Kennedy Space Center was next to an impossibility since the runway was narrow (unsafe) compared to landing in the desert. The brakes had the habit of destroying themselves during the landing, requiring removing the main landing gear tires and brakes, replacing the tires and then towing. Additionally, the nose wheel steering in the flight simulator in Houston had the unusual characteristic that when it was turned on, it would make a "hard left" when initializing and nobody wanted to try it on the flight vehicle. These things made the landing at KSC "challenging" to say the least if you had to steer the orbiter during the landing.
Eventually, these problems were being fixed and additionally a new drag chute would make things better for a Florida landing. Houston asked our group to measure the roll out distances after the upcoming landings to compare with the on board telemetry. My group did not have any equipment at the time for such measurements. I asked my landing gear lead engineer (a very cute blonde from North Carolina with the most unbelievable and sweetest southern accent this side of "Gone with the Wind") to check with the landing aids group to see if they could take post landing measurements for us, since I understood that they had optical equipment they used to align their equipment on the runway.
When she got back, she told me that they were more than happy to take the measurements for us (she sort of had this effect on people). I asked her what was the name of the person she talked to. She struggled to remember and then her beautiful smile shone through. "His name is Theo" - she said. Then I asked her what was his last name. "Dolite, yes, his name is Theo Dolite" she said. I started laughing and I could not control myself.....
PS In case you missed it:
https://en.wikipedia...eodolite#Simple
In the early days of the Space Shuttle, landing at the Kennedy Space Center was next to an impossibility since the runway was narrow (unsafe) compared to landing in the desert. The brakes had the habit of destroying themselves during the landing, requiring removing the main landing gear tires and brakes, replacing the tires and then towing. Additionally, the nose wheel steering in the flight simulator in Houston had the unusual characteristic that when it was turned on, it would make a "hard left" when initializing and nobody wanted to try it on the flight vehicle. These things made the landing at KSC "challenging" to say the least if you had to steer the orbiter during the landing.
Eventually, these problems were being fixed and additionally a new drag chute would make things better for a Florida landing. Houston asked our group to measure the roll out distances after the upcoming landings to compare with the on board telemetry. My group did not have any equipment at the time for such measurements. I asked my landing gear lead engineer (a very cute blonde from North Carolina with the most unbelievable and sweetest southern accent this side of "Gone with the Wind") to check with the landing aids group to see if they could take post landing measurements for us, since I understood that they had optical equipment they used to align their equipment on the runway.
When she got back, she told me that they were more than happy to take the measurements for us (she sort of had this effect on people). I asked her what was the name of the person she talked to. She struggled to remember and then her beautiful smile shone through. "His name is Theo" - she said. Then I asked her what was his last name. "Dolite, yes, his name is Theo Dolite" she said. I started laughing and I could not control myself.....
PS In case you missed it:
https://en.wikipedia...eodolite#Simple
I love this. Ordering a Pizza in 2021* Just in case you don,t think you are being tracked. LOL
CALLER:
Is this Pizza Delight?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Delight last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
CALLER:
Is this Pizza Delight?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Delight last month.
CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! That’s what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
Magicman
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
We live 6 miles out of town. My wife has been placing an order with Walmart for various products and schedules a pickup time. They text her to let her know her order is ready. One day she texted and said she'd be in within the hour. She left the house and drove to town taking the exit near Walmart, but she when by our niece's house, then by two other places, then to Walmart.
When she got to Walmart the person bringing out the order said, "I thought you were going to go back home!" When my wife asked her what she was talking about the gal told her they track her movement from the time she sent the text and noticed her route, starting near the store and then going back through town!
When she got to Walmart the person bringing out the order said, "I thought you were going to go back home!" When my wife asked her what she was talking about the gal told her they track her movement from the time she sent the text and noticed her route, starting near the store and then going back through town!
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
I’m giving up drinking until Christmas.
Sorry, wrong punctuation.
I’m giving up. Drinking until Christmas.
Sorry, wrong punctuation.
I’m giving up. Drinking until Christmas.