Daily Chuckle

[Magicman]

I know you all have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as (luvs), (Huggies) And ( Pampers),while undergarments for old people are called ( Depends).
Well here is the low down on the whole thing.
When babies crap in their pants people are still gonna luvem,Hug’em,and Pamper’em.
When old people crap in their pants it “Depends “on who’s in the will.

 

[Magicman]

Just sent to me by a friend in Katy, TX:

You can tell a Texan from a long way off, but up close you can't tell them anything.

 

[xrocketengineer]

Just sent to me by a friend in Katy, TX:

You can tell a Texan from a long way off, but up close you can't tell them anything.

That reminds me of the early days of the Space Shuttle, way before we were ready to launch anything from Florida.
We got two visitors from NASA in Houston and they were both very tall, wearing a three piece suit, bolo tie, cowboy hat and boots. They definitely stood out from all the locals. I was volunteered to give them a tour of the facilities and as we were approaching on foot the base of the launch pad, the guard stopped us. He looked at the visitors and said "I am sorry gentlemen but this is not a drilling rig"......

 

[bearbait]

Did you help him?

 

[OrangeKrush]

I’ve always been terrible with remembering jokes but I did remember I had this..

 

[Magicman]

Farting under the covers is no longer a bad thing.
It’s now called a Covid test,. If you (she) can smell it you’re negative.

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Magicman]

Here is another related to age:

Estate planning

When Dan, a bachelor farmer, found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father passed away he decided he needed a woman with whom to enjoy it. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and three days later she became his stepmother.

 

[Magicman]

OK, another age related:

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man..

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

 

[Orangeglow]

An amazing 2 letter English word

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP


This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word. The word "UP". It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are politicians UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is clogged UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. Then when the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P !

Did that one crack you UP?

Now I'll shut UP!

 

[Magicman]

I had to bookmark that one.

 

[Magicman]

Exercise for older folks


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty
of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend
your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long
as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day,
you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 15-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to
where you can lift a 20-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of
the sacks.

 

[D2Cat]

Saw this sign for sale. Guess it's not really humorous though.

 

[FairFran]

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you.."


"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.



He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!


Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

God! I printed it

 

[Magicman]

A couple of redneck hunters are out in
the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing
and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.
He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help.
Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"

 

[D2Cat]

I wasn't sure if this was Daren or Fordtech86 or one of their co-workers. NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION.

 

[RCW]

I wasn't sure if this was Daren or Fordtech86 or one of their co-workers. NECESSITY IS THE MOTHER OF INVENTION.

Still chuckling, 'Cat.

I'm thinking that's one of skeets' clan.

His "intake manifold" kinda says MOPAR to me.

 

[skeets]

LMAO,,, I never thought of doin a log ram filter mask

 

[Magicman]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to
the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back
up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two
of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the
situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Larry," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya' from, Larry?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Larry
replied, "The balcony."

 

[ayak]