Daily Chuckle

[Yooper]

A guy tired of the rat race of city life, bought a section of land in Alaska and moved up there to live off the land. Built a nice log cabin and got all settled in. Then one day there was a knock on the door. He opened the door to find a huge, burly man that could barely fit through the door. He held out his bear paw sized hand and said "Hey, I'm your neighbor Lars from 30 miles up stream. Havin' a party Friday night and was wunderin' in you'd be interested?"
Guy:"Well sure, would love to meet my neighbors!"
Lars: Good! Party starts at 5 pm.
Guy:" I'll be there!"
Lars: "Good! By the way, gonna be some drinkin."
Guy:"Not a problem."
Lars: "Might be some fightin'."
Guy:"Aw, I'm pretty mellow. I can get along with most anybody."
Lars: "Good! Just one more thing."
Guy:"What's that?"
Lars:"My parties have been know to turn into some wild sex orgies."
Guy:"Now that's really not a problem! Six months here all by myself! For sure I'll be there!
Lars:"Great!"
Guy:"By the way Lars, what should I wear?"
Lars:"Anything you want. Just gonna be me and you."

 

[sawmill]

That joke is only funny to anyone that has ever arc welded.

Well excuse me all to hell.

 

[Lil Foot]

That joke is only funny to anyone that has ever arc welded.

Or pulled a long garden hose. Or an extension cord. Or an air line. Or an airless sprayer hose. Or pressure washer hose. Etc., etc. etc.. Actually, pretty damn funny, period.

 

[bmblank]

Or pulled a long garden hose. Or an extension cord. Or an air line. Or an airless sprayer hose. Or pressure washer hose. Etc., etc. etc.. Actually, pretty damn funny, period.

The ones with hooky ends are the worst. Like trying to pull an Ethernet cable out of the rat's nest behind the computer.

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

 

[armylifer]

Well excuse me all to hell.

I apologize if I did not convey that I thought it was funny because it has happened to me many times. It seems that every time I am running a bead that my lead cable will get hung up on something right near the end of the run. I did not mean to insinuate that your joke was stupid or anything like that. I just meant that the meaning and humor of the joke may be lost to those who have never welded before.

 

[sawmill]

I apologize if I did not convey that I thought it was funny because it has happened to me many times. It seems that every time I am running a bead that my lead cable will get hung up on something right near the end of the run. I did not mean to insinuate that your joke was stupid or anything like that. I just meant that the meaning and humor of the joke may be lost to those who have never welded before.

Apology accepted. I misinterpreted the meaning. I should've gave it more thought. "Hand shake".

 

[Lil Foot]

Tip of the hat to you both. Well done.

 

[Diydave]

I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no oncoming traffic.

Then a carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned US flag, duct-taped to the trunk lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, pulled up next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the lights changed. Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me"....

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver..........

 

[bradmond]

Red Green's backhoe

https://youtu.be/jv6MgODqMZc

 

[ShaunBlake]

....
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver..........

Wonderful story; very inspiring! Best of luck with your career change.

And privately, I hope that the possibility of a similar exciting event keeps you ever alert, so that your passengers never experience what happened to my snoozing grandpa's.

 

[sawmill]

Lying on her death bed a woman told her husband of 60 years "you can open that chest at the foot of the bed". (Which had always been off limits to him). He opened it and saw 3 ears of corn and one hundred thousand dollars in it. He said "why is there 3 ears of corn in here"? His wife said, "every time I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in there". He said "what about the hundred thousand dollars in there"? She said "every time I got a bushel of corn I sold it".

 

[Diydave]

Shaun, if you liked that one, you'll love this one:

Click on link, at your own risk...

https://youtu.be/x7PpE15yh58

 

[bmblank]

I like Crowder. He does a radio show every Thursday and it's usually on YouTube Friday.

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

 

[Diydave]

https://youtu.be/V1ztaO7IzuQ zzzzzt zzzzzt

 

[Diydave]

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck "feel” before they become old.

The salesperson, a nice looking woman wearing a "Hillary for President" lapel pin, sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your butt year-round.LOL

I had to walk back to the dealership. She had no sense of humor.

 

[Diydave]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and would not even look at a cow. I had beginning to think I had paid too much for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pill the Vet gave him..........but they taste like peppermint.

 

[Newlyme]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and would not even look at a cow. I had beginning to think I had paid too much for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pill the Vet gave him..........but they taste like peppermint.

Well they must not have worked the second time, we haven't "Herd" about any new cows serviced the past 36 hours!

Unless it lasted more than 4 hours and your still at the doctors!
Sorry, couldn't resist.

 

[sawmill]

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston,
the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry,

but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.

I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board,

and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat

will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

 

[Diydave]

Good moosic makes 'em horny, or how now brown cow:

https://youtu.be/KvtT3UyhibQ

 

[Diydave]

One Saturday afternoon, in Washington, DC an aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington.
He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Obama's views.
Obama's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Obama as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Obama's aide promised, Obama appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Obama was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation,
"While President Obama’s presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages.
Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Barack Obama is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both In Washington and in Illinois. The man is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded,
"But, when compared with Hillary Clinton,
Obama is a Saint”.