Daily Chuckle
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85Hokie
Moderator
Staff member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
BX-25D ,PTB. Under Armor, '90&'92-B7100HST's, '06 BX1850 FEL
damnit man - I am still laughing, coffee in keyboard, was gonna call the wife in to watch (she aint in the mood however!)
the cartoon part at .47 had my head a hurtin!
THAT is one of those types of commercials if shown, would reaaally make me go out and get a ...............beer!
ShaunBlake
New member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
ShaunBlake
New member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
If it's a screen shot, then it's one my wife found
I'm just sharing what she forwards to my phone This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f..king putt!"
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."
Lil Foot
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
1979 B7100DT Gear, Nissan Hanix N150-2 Excavator
1. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had
made it home safely.
2. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"
Granny replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!"
6. My wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
10. I woke up this morning at 8:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered Burger King serves breakfast until 11:00.
11. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
12. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
13. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
14. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so they can see their own doctor.
made it home safely.
2. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"
Granny replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!"
6. My wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
10. I woke up this morning at 8:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered Burger King serves breakfast until 11:00.
11. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
12. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.
I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
13. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?"
14. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so they can see their own doctor.
I was listening to the radio this morning, and the weather service was giving a pre-storm warning that anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should take:
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- A can of De-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallons of gas in can
- First aid kit
- Jumper cables
I felt like a complete idiot getting on the bus.....
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- A can of De-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallons of gas in can
- First aid kit
- Jumper cables
I felt like a complete idiot getting on the bus.....
I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared.
And I don't have acne.
Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!!
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.
Modify message
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why be scared.
And I don't have acne.
Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this, if you are a Seenager
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!!
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.
Modify message
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits
the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know
where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the
infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million
replacement Muslims
the Middle East .
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know
where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the
infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million
replacement Muslims
ShaunBlake
New member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, ‘This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.” The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?” “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon.”
The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, ‘This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.” The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?” “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon.”
The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!”
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert by a well-known specialist for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Knowing that nowadays job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.
She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”
Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen ".
"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?"
She answered, "No, but that's where the end of the line of applicants is...
Knowing that nowadays job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.
She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”
Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen ".
"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?"
She answered, "No, but that's where the end of the line of applicants is...
ShaunBlake
New member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
Outstanding! If you were a grammar teacher, nobody would ever end sentences with prepositions.
Well, perhaps certain malevolent miscreants would, but the commonality of the offensive practice would end, and that would be a happy day to look forward to.
Diydave has crossed the line and had to have his post stomped!
BAD Diydave!!!
Sorry Diydave
BAD Diydave!!!
Sorry Diydave
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