Daily Chuckle

[Ridelght]

 

[Daylight]

I guess you dont work in a green house huh

In a way I do: my office is a prefab made of 2" foam panels between sheet steel. In a place where temperatures can get close to 120F, the a/c really gets a workout...

 

[Old_Paint]

View attachment 82964

I thought I recognized that. I've walked right past that sign in Edinburgh. That's on the Royal Mile. There was another not too far from that that said "Daddy Day Care". They're pretty creative with their signs in Edinburgh.

 

[Old_Paint]

View attachment 83052

Darwin was right.

 

[Magicman]

 

[Daren Todd]

Darwin was right.

Saw some idiot a couple days ago. Perfectly good truck bed. But they had the lumber crammed through the drivers idea rear window into the front passenger seat. Used the window to lock the lumber in place.

Stuck up about 4ft over the cab, and 3ft into oncoming traffic.

 

[MOOTS]

Some of the guys in the gun thread be like:

 

[Tughill Tom]

 

[Magicman]

 

[DustyRusty]

Bricklayer's report on a work accident:
Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block
number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as
the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more
fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I
discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry
the bricks down by hand, I dedcided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley
which fortunately was attached to the building, at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out,
and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the
rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This
explains the fractured skull and collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the
barrel now weighs approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number eleven. As you might imagine, I
began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This account
for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I
fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were
cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain,
unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again
lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more
than the rope so it came back down on top of me and broke both of my legs.

I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident
happened.

 

[hope to float]

Bricklayer's report on a work accident:
Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block
number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as
the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more
fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I
discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry
the bricks down by hand, I dedcided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley
which fortunately was attached to the building, at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out,
and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the
rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This
explains the fractured skull and collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the
barrel now weighs approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number eleven. As you might imagine, I
began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This account
for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I
fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were
cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain,
unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again
lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more
than the rope so it came back down on top of me and broke both of my legs.

I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident
happened.

There is a song about this! Look up The Sick Note

 

[Daylight]

The best version of this classic was done by The Dubliners, some 50 years ago:

Bricklayer's report on a work accident:
Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block
number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as
the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more
fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six storey building. When I completed my work, I
discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry
the bricks down by hand, I dedcided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley
which fortunately was attached to the building, at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out,
and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the
rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This
explains the fractured skull and collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to
hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the
barrel now weighs approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number eleven. As you might imagine, I
began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This account
for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I
fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were
cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain,
unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again
lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more
than the rope so it came back down on top of me and broke both of my legs.

I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident
happened.

 

[Magicman]

 

[Magicman]

BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (You just can't make this stuff up!!)

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized
recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even
left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a "generic
white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder." (That's the
way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, that "it looked
similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit
the big time."

Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with
the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister,
Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer
known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard
box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Taped to
the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so
we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings.
Have a nice day."

 

[Magicman]

A few years ago a fellow walked into a bank in a little community about 50 miles south of Washington DC, and said, "this is a stickup, give me all your money". Having forgot to bring a bag to put it in, he stuffed the bills into all his pockets, including the dye pack. He then ran out of the bank, trailing $100 bills through the parking lot as he ran to his car. At this point the dye pack exploded, covering him with paint and blowing out his pocket, scattering more money in the parking lot. Being mindful of the possibility of thieves in the area, he had locked his car before going in to rob the bank. With all the money stuffed into his pockets, he couldn't get to his car keys. So he runs to the neighboring woods and brings back a big stick (Another useful forest product from a well managed forest......). He begins whailing on his car window with said forest product, trying to break it to get in. (How he planned to start the car with his keys inaccessible in his pocket under a huge wad of money is still a mystery.....)

At this point, people in the parking lot became suspicious. (Like I said, it's a small community - people tend to mind their own business) A few of them ran up and tackled him. He reacted by trying to pull a pistol from a pocket (guess he didn't stuff ALL his pockets with money). In the process, he shot himself in the leg.

Taken to a hospital in nearby Richmond, VA, the police did a background check on him. They found out he had just been released from a Maryland prison after serving 10 years for........attempted bank robbery.

 

[dirtydeed]

saw this one today

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Toyboy]