Daily Chuckle

[Bmyers]

 

[Magicman]

Petey was a snake and he lived in a pit with his mother.

One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, "Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss." So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss. Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit.

Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss in her pit. Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home so he hissed in her pit anyway.

While Petey was hissing in Mrs.Pott's pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She said "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss."

This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home. When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, "Petey, what's the matter?" Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to hiss in her pit but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit go to your own pit and hiss.

This made his mother very angry and she said, "Why that mean old Lady! I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to hiss in.

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

Can't understand women's fashion, looks like they would need special socks.

 

[Lil Foot]

Camel toe boots?

 

[D2Cat]

Can't understand women's fashion, looks like they would need special socks.
View attachment 74854

What leads you to believe they wear sox?

 

[Toyboy]

The Lord works in mysterious ways...

 

[Fordtech86]

What leads you to believe they wear sox?

or what leads one to believe thats a woman?

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

Looks like I got ripped off

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Fordtech86]

View attachment 74902

 

[Daren Todd]

View attachment 74903

I have a sticker printer at the shop. I'll have to make one up for the local tool man

 

[Magicman]

The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological.
One is psycho, the other is logical.

 

[Magicman]

Corny football jokes for today:

Where do football players go when they need a new uniform?
New Jersey

What did the bumblebee running back say when he got a touchdown?
Hive scored!

How did Scrooge end up with the football?
The ghost of Christmas passed.

 

[Magicman]

This just in; Since Caitlyn doesn't need them, Bruce Jenner is donating his gonads to Joe Biden.

 

[dlsmith]

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better..The
notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted."


Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)

*****************
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy $&!+, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
Flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

******************
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

*******************
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $&!+-faced from
all of the beer...

********************
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

********************
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.

**********************
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I $&!+ on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.

********************
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

*************************
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

 

[dlsmith]

Engineering Terms

* A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.

* EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We fired the team of engneers who after 5 years of development couldn't get it to work, and just hired three kids fresh out of college for one tenth the cost.

* CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame for any problems.

* MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very high-tech.

* CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy just to get it delivered.

* PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The damn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

* TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are floored that the stupid thing actually works.

* THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.

* ALL NEW
No parts are interchangeable with any previous design.

* RUGGED
Too heavy to lift without throwing your back out.

* LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.

* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
After a couple of decades of work, one finally worked.

* LOW MAINTENANCE
Designed to be impossible to fix if broken

 

[dlsmith]

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched...We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hunting, fishing, golfing, or something with wheels.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

[i7win7]