Daily Chuckle

[i7win7]

 

[Bmyers]

 

[dirtydeed]

Saw this just this morning on local news site. At first I thought it was funny, then it quickly became apparent that it is quite sad. Just look at the pic of this guy "manning up" for his vaccination. I mean, that needle couldn't get any smaller!

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Magicman]

Help the US economy with your stimulus check: If you spend stimulus money at Wal-Mart, it’ll go to China.
If you buy gasoline, it’ll go to the Arabs.
If you buy a computer, it’ll go to India.
If you buy fruit and vegetables, it’ll go to Mexico, Honduras & Guatemala.
If you buy a car, it’ll go to Japan. If you buy useless stuff, it’ll go to Taiwan.
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it’ll go to mgmt. bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep it in America by: Spending it at yard sales, going to ball games, or prostitutes, or getting Tattoos. These are the only American businesses still operating in the US. So, how about going to a ball game and drink beer with a tattooed prostitute that you meet at a yard sale?

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

Job sucks but, what a medical plan

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[Magicman]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude"With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll? "The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching



"MORAL OF THE STORY -



Not all Irish are drunks,

Not all blondes are dumb,

But all men.....are men.

 

[Bmyers]

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[i7win7]

Someone's really good with the tattoo gun

 

[Hue]

My wife says to me "I'm going to love you forever".
I reply "I already love you forever, you need to catch up".
Good thing she's got a sense of humor.

 

[i7win7]

Billy Gates 1st grade homework

 

[Magicman]

An elderly man was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the tractor shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the tractor shed stealing his new Kubota.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my tractor shed and stealing my new Kubota.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing my new Kubota from my tractor shed. Well you, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.


Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to the old man, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

He said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[Fordtech86]

Are you a Democrat -
a Republican - or a Southerner ?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat’s Answer:

What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack Could we run
away?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?

Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior?

I hope they haven’t defunded this city’s police department, yet.
… … … … … … … …

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

… … … … … … … …

Southerner’s Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click… (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click

Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy!’
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: ‘Can I shoot the next one?!’

Wife: 'You are NOT taking that to a taxidermist.

 

[Lil Foot]

 

[Magicman]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly,

He in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,

But would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!’ he exclaimed...

'Good,' she replied...'Get your own *%&$@# blanket.'

After a moment of silence... He farted.


The End

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Magicman]

I wonder if this comes in Orange??