Daily Chuckle

bearbait

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L3560, 64" snowblower, 72" back blade
Dec 9, 2011
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New Glasgow Canada
Should have seen the warning signs, yep we're getting old (true story)

Other night wife and I figured we'd turn in but she decided to take the dog out for one last pee. A week ago I ordered some parcels on Amazon and as she was coming back in the door with the dog she saw me at the computer and asked what are you doing to which I replied checking on my parcel and in a loud voice she replied who's an arsehole. Yep, we've turned into our parents. :(:eek:
 
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Magicman

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M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
Oct 8, 2019
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Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers inquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
 
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chim

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L4240HSTC with FEL, Ford 1210
Jan 19, 2013
2,147
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Near Lancaster, PA, USA
Two co-workers were discussing their siblings at lunch one day:

Charlie - I never knew you had a brother. I don't recall that you ever mentioned him.

Bob - Well, he's the black sheep of the family and we're ashamed of him.

Charlie - Wow. What kind of problem does he have?

Bob - Everyone where he lives knows that he is the town drunk.

Charlie - That's not the worst thing in the world. Where's he live?

Bob - New York City.
 

Magicman

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M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
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knotholesawmill.com
A fellow was working on a high rise construction project. He continually complained about his lunch. Always a bologna sandwich. One day as he sat with his coworkers he said, “If I don’t have something else besides a bologna sandwich for lunch tomorrow, I’m going to jump off this building,”

The next day they sat down for lunch, he opened his lunch box, looked in and jumped off the building. One fellow sitting there said, “What a shame! Why didn’t his wife pack something else besides bologna sandwiches for his lunch?” The other guy sitting there said, “It’s worse than that! He packed his own lunch.”
 

Magicman

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M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
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Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
We all know that men and women are two different breeds. This is based on an actual conversation:

She to me:. "Is it warm or cold outside?"

Me:. (Looking at thermometer), "It is 41 degrees."

She:. "Well, is it warm or cold?"

Me: ............
 

hope to float

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L3450
Feb 18, 2018
474
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Ireland
We all know that men and women are two different breeds. This is based on an actual conversation:

She to me:. "Is it warm or cold outside?"

Me:. (Looking at thermometer), "It is 41 degrees."

She:. "Well, is it warm or cold?"

Me: ............
You could have that conversation with most of us europeans too :D :D;)
 
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bearbait

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L3560, 64" snowblower, 72" back blade
Dec 9, 2011
4,058
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New Glasgow Canada
We all know that men and women are two different breeds. This is based on an actual conversation:

She to me:. "Is it warm or cold outside?"

Me:. (Looking at thermometer), "It is 41 degrees."

She:. "Well, is it warm or cold?"

Me: ............
Think about your answer before you reply or it could get real chilly inside real quick, just sayin'
 
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bearbait

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Dec 9, 2011
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New Glasgow Canada
NEWFIE'S GOT EVERYTHING COVERED



A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor.

"I am going hunting tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."

“Yes, sir!" answers Buddy.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.”

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME! I haven't seen a man in over two years.”

"Lard tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?”

"I put drops in her eyes!!"
 
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Magicman

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M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
Oct 8, 2019
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Brookhaven, MS
knotholesawmill.com
“I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out sooner. I use shampoo in the shower. It runs down all over my body. Very clearly on the label it says ‘For extra body and volume.’ No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I am going to start showering instead with Dawn dishwashing soap. Its label reads “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove!”
 
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xrocketengineer

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BX1880, FEL, Grapple, 36 in. Forks, 48in. MMM, Quick Spade, Ripper
Nov 14, 2020
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Merritt Island, Florida
One day a man decided to retire...


He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time
of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore


In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I
landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw
material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and
stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted
into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make
the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of
rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to
shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk
leading to a cabin and tree house .

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the
house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit
down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take
another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual
survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip
into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the
bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of
tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened
on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns,
she greets him wearing nothing

but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned,
she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
both been out here for many months.

You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played
around? " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly
as tears start to form in his eyes,









"You've built a Golf Course?"
 
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