Back up a bit, first, and review
how a relay works. It's just a switch operated by a small electromagnet. You'll have two terminals which connect to the switch, and two which connect to the electromagnet. (Often you'll have 5 terminals. Don't worry about that unless all 5 are connected. Often it's just 4, and that should be the case here.)
Let's see if I can post a diagram from The Twelve Volt .com (an excellent resource!)
When we provide 12v to the electromagnet, it pulls the switch over (against a spring) and connects the two switched terminals. That's all - it just connects the other two terminals.
So, we give 12v to one side of the electromagnet, and we give 12v to one of the switch terminals. Good so far?
Then we connect the other side of the switch terminal to the fuel pump. Now, if we ground the last terminal, the other side of the electromagnet, we get current through the magnet, which pulls in the switch, which connects the 12v to the fuel pump, and it runs and squirts diesel into your eye because you were looking into the output hose to see if anything would come out. That was dumb!
So, if everything is workign correctly, if we ground that last terminal, we should get power to the fuel pump (and some other things). OR, if the ECU connects that terminal to ground, we should get power to the fuel pump (and some other things).
Now, find the relay. Using your multimeter, find two pins which have power when the key is on. According to that diagram, two pins should be hot when the key is on. Note which two pins they are. We'll call these Pin 1 and Pin 2. (Kind of like Thing 1 and Thing 2, but without the Cat.)
Now, check the other two pins. There should be no voltage present on either one. One of them is likely a smaller wire than the other. (I'm expecting two larger and two smaller wires connected to that relay.
Probably.) Let's call them Pin 3 (big) and Pin 4 (not so big).
The smaller one, Pin 4, is probably where you can find the ground signal from the ECU. (The larger one should be the output to the fuel pump.)
To test it, connect your multimeter hot lead (red) to 12v somewhere (anywhere), and then to the ECU ground pin, Pin 4. You should NOT see any voltage. Now, with your meter still connected, turn the key on and try to start. You should see 12v now. If so, this proves that the ECU is sending the correct ground signal to the relay. If not, you either have the wrong terminal or the ECU is not sending the ground signal.
To test the relay, simply ground that terminal and see if 12v appears on the 4th terminal. It should, if the relay is working. (You should hear it click.) That should get you fuel. If not, the relay is probably the problem.
(In all of this, if you are not taking detailed notes AS YOU GO, you are shooting yourself in the foot, You CANNOT remember it all. You WILL confuse yourself.)