Daily Chuckle
- Thread starter skeets
- Start date
Yep, but you have to admit it's a great way to stop dwelling on they dang virus. OOOOOHHHHH to be young again.
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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."
North Idaho Wolfman
Moderator
Staff member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
L3450DT-GST, Woods FEL, B7100 HSD, FEL, 60" SB, 743 Bobcat with V2203, and more
Magicman
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
SUNDAY CLOTHES
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a “Y” in the road where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
He said, “Hello.”
'Hi,' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way to my aunties,' answered the little girl.
'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
'I go to the Catholic church down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '
'I go to the Protestant church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.
'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my best Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.
'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna take off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
mime-attachment.jpg
'You know, I never realized before just how much
Difference there really is between a
CATHOLIC and a PROTESTANT !!!'
***65279; ***65279;
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a “Y” in the road where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
He said, “Hello.”
'Hi,' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way to my aunties,' answered the little girl.
'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
'I go to the Catholic church down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '
'I go to the Protestant church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.
'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my best Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.
'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna take off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked:
mime-attachment.jpg
'You know, I never realized before just how much
Difference there really is between a
CATHOLIC and a PROTESTANT !!!'
***65279; ***65279;
Magicman
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
M4900 Utility Special 4WD e/w FEL & 1530 John Deere "Traveling Man"
CIRCULAR SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off of bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh crap!'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee mug across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely roundoff bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off of bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh crap!'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee mug across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
CHANNEL LOCKS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely roundoff bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
PVC PIPE CUTTER: A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
North Idaho Wolfman
Moderator
Staff member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
L3450DT-GST, Woods FEL, B7100 HSD, FEL, 60" SB, 743 Bobcat with V2203, and more
![facebook_1585714076791_254729444327948[1].jpg](/forums/data/attachments/42/42071-3b25462f45d462903f937aa5f2ab5f4d.jpg)
North Idaho Wolfman
Moderator
Staff member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
L3450DT-GST, Woods FEL, B7100 HSD, FEL, 60" SB, 743 Bobcat with V2203, and more
![facebook_1585800748940_288849357949787[1].jpg](/forums/data/attachments/42/42096-f7f209070e8ad272ba93e6b7b8240f11.jpg)
North Idaho Wolfman
Moderator
Staff member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
L3450DT-GST, Woods FEL, B7100 HSD, FEL, 60" SB, 743 Bobcat with V2203, and more
How many of your partners / wives can operate equipment?
You might need to start worrying.
You might need to start worrying.
Attachments
![facebook_1585926822851_343287150119273[1].jpg](/forums/data/attachments/42/42127-72063e5c8f9d965b86ec596719da0719.jpg)
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.” Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.” Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.” Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.” Old man says “What you gonna do with that?” Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.” Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?” Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.” Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”