Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Daily Chuckle
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Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Wife picked this up. Every time I go up our walk now, I start laughing 
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
The Jewish Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
Mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
Mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!
ShaunBlake
New member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
Ewww... that's worse than the MIL going over the cliff in his new Cadillac! Glad I didn't think to do a 'selfie' of my simultaneous amused chuckle and painful grimace!The Jewish Quarterback
...
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair...then sliding a little more... until he was almost under the table. The baffling thing is, the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn't seem to notice!
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners,went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table..."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said,
"No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair...then sliding a little more... until he was almost under the table. The baffling thing is, the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn't seem to notice!
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners,went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table..."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said,
"No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border. The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
ShaunBlake
New member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
First guy asks the other guy what did you do before retiring?............I was in the bakery business, one day there was a terrible fire....the insurance money came in and I decided that at my age I just didn't have it in me to start over again so here I am in FL now in the retirement home having a great life......what did you do before you retired??
Second guy says well........my story is similar. I was in the plumbing supply company in PA, supplied contractors in 3 counties and had a great business, one day the river rose and we were completely flooded out.....when the Insurance $$ came in I decided I was too old as well and now were both here in this great place enjoying our retirement!!
Hmmmmm said the first man, Hmmmmm..............What is it asked the second guy??
Well................................I was just wondering how you start a flood???
Second guy says well........my story is similar. I was in the plumbing supply company in PA, supplied contractors in 3 counties and had a great business, one day the river rose and we were completely flooded out.....when the Insurance $$ came in I decided I was too old as well and now were both here in this great place enjoying our retirement!!
Hmmmmm said the first man, Hmmmmm..............What is it asked the second guy??
Well................................I was just wondering how you start a flood???
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night. "I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter. "I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the electrician. "Those are good ideas," says the dentist. "But my contribution's going to be a real surprise." The next day the new husband comes to the diner to meet his friends. He says "I congratulate you guys for making the bed heat up and collapse, but I'm gonna kill whichever one of you put novocaine in the massage oil!"
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes. The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room." She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that." The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference." She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
THE POWER OF DEDUCTIVE REASONING
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lie down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awakens and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lie down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awakens and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Did You Hear About… Funniest (and Truest) Obama Joke Ever?
By Onan Coca / 15 September 2015 / 0 Comments
We wanted to lighten your mood this Monday morning, so we thought we’d bring back one of the funniest jokes about the Obama years we’ve ever read. As funny as it is, this one is an extra-special treat because it also happens to be a very honest bit of commentary. I’ve always believed that the funniest jokes contain some truth -- and this is nothing but truth.
Bob: "Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?,
Jim: "You mean the Mexican gun running?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean SEAL Team 6?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean voter fraud?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?"
Bob: "No the other one.”
Jim: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate's advise-and-consent role?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Clinton, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don't pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck us again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?"
Bob: "THAT'S THE ONE!"
By Onan Coca / 15 September 2015 / 0 Comments
We wanted to lighten your mood this Monday morning, so we thought we’d bring back one of the funniest jokes about the Obama years we’ve ever read. As funny as it is, this one is an extra-special treat because it also happens to be a very honest bit of commentary. I’ve always believed that the funniest jokes contain some truth -- and this is nothing but truth.
Bob: "Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?,
Jim: "You mean the Mexican gun running?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean SEAL Team 6?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean voter fraud?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?"
Bob: "No the other one.”
Jim: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate's advise-and-consent role?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Clinton, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don't pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck us again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?"
Bob: "THAT'S THE ONE!"
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Friends:
A good friend will bail you out of jail
A great friend will be sitting in there next to you and say "Damn...... that was fun!!!!"
A good friend will bail you out of jail
A great friend will be sitting in there next to you and say "Damn...... that was fun!!!!"
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
You gotta wonder about some people. I asked someone how to spell Mississippi.
They said "Well.... that depends. Are you talking about the river, or the state?"
They said "Well.... that depends. Are you talking about the river, or the state?"
Hold my beer and watch this!Friends:
A good friend will bail you out of jail
A great friend will be sitting in there next to you and say "Damn...... that was fun!!!!"
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter