Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Daily Chuckle
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Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
ShaunBlake
New member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
So Obama Walked Into a Local Bank to Cash a Check, Then…
Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
President Barack Obama, surrounded by his normal retinue of Secret Service agents, walks into the Chicago branch office of a regional bank to cash a check.
“Good morning, ma’am,” he says to the cashier. “I’d like to cash this check.”
“Of course, sir,” she replies. “Do you have your drivers license?”
“Actually, no,” Obama says. “I didn’t drive myself and, honestly, I didn’t think I’d need to show any ID. I mean,I am the president.”
“Yes, sir, I know who you are. But I’m afraid that, federal banking regulations being what they are, I’ll need to see a photo ID.”
Obama sighs in consternation.
“But just ask anyone at the bank,” he says. “They all know who I am. Everybody knows who I am.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. President, but rules are rules.”
“Please, there must be something you can do. I need to cash this check so I can buy Michelle a Valentine’s Day present.”
The cashier thinks for a minute.
“I’ll tell you what, Mr. President. Two weeks ago, Tiger Woods was here and in the same situation. He proved who he was by making an amazing putt all the way across the bank lobby into a coffee cup.
“Then, just last week, Andre Agassi had to prove who he was, so he used his tennis racket and lobbed a ball all the way across the bank lobby into that same coffee cup.
“In both cases, we took that as identification and cashed their checks,” she explained.
“So, Mr. President, is there something you can do that would prove that you are, indeed, Barrack Hussein Obama, president of the United States?” she asked.
Obama stands in front of her for a moment, frowning in thought.
“You know, he says, I can’t think of a thing.
My mind is a total blank.
I have absolutely no idea what to do in this situation,” he says.
“Seriously. No clue at all.”
The cashier smiles.
“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?” she asks.
They say that the best humor has to contain a foundation of truth.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
President Barack Obama, surrounded by his normal retinue of Secret Service agents, walks into the Chicago branch office of a regional bank to cash a check.
“Good morning, ma’am,” he says to the cashier. “I’d like to cash this check.”
“Of course, sir,” she replies. “Do you have your drivers license?”
“Actually, no,” Obama says. “I didn’t drive myself and, honestly, I didn’t think I’d need to show any ID. I mean,I am the president.”
“Yes, sir, I know who you are. But I’m afraid that, federal banking regulations being what they are, I’ll need to see a photo ID.”
Obama sighs in consternation.
“But just ask anyone at the bank,” he says. “They all know who I am. Everybody knows who I am.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. President, but rules are rules.”
“Please, there must be something you can do. I need to cash this check so I can buy Michelle a Valentine’s Day present.”
The cashier thinks for a minute.
“I’ll tell you what, Mr. President. Two weeks ago, Tiger Woods was here and in the same situation. He proved who he was by making an amazing putt all the way across the bank lobby into a coffee cup.
“Then, just last week, Andre Agassi had to prove who he was, so he used his tennis racket and lobbed a ball all the way across the bank lobby into that same coffee cup.
“In both cases, we took that as identification and cashed their checks,” she explained.
“So, Mr. President, is there something you can do that would prove that you are, indeed, Barrack Hussein Obama, president of the United States?” she asked.
Obama stands in front of her for a moment, frowning in thought.
“You know, he says, I can’t think of a thing.
My mind is a total blank.
I have absolutely no idea what to do in this situation,” he says.
“Seriously. No clue at all.”
The cashier smiles.
“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?” she asks.
They say that the best humor has to contain a foundation of truth.
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
ShaunBlake
New member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: ‘The Scottish guy must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’ Claudia Schiffer was thinking: ‘The English guy must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.’ And the Scotsman was thinking: ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make that kissing noise and slap that English ba&&ard again.'
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her embarrassment she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large guy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. The went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!" The guy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we were friends."
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
How to Medicate your Pet
CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill
in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
Close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair Curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to
one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto
neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last
tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from **** and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG:
1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter.
2) Make him beg.
CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill
in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
Close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair Curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to
one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto
neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last
tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little b******'s front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from **** and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG:
1) Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter.
2) Make him beg.
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
The proper way to call someone a bastard:
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer
approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll
marry them.
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer
approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll
marry them.
My grandfather was born sans wedlock. THe local hardware baron at the time, around here decided to yell out as he entered the store, JOE! HOW YA DOIN, YOU OLD BASTARD? GF winked at me, a child of 5 or 6, and said Carrol, in my case it was an accident of birth, but you, sir are a self made man...
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"