Daily Chuckle

[Fordtech86]

 

[armylifer]

View attachment 59048

Put reflective tape on that and it would look like a hall monitor belt or a crossing guard belt.

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[Daren Todd]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

[Magicman]

As I have grown older I have come to realize that pleasing everyone is impossible but....
Pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

 

[dirtydeed]

View attachment 59048

Yep. But just where is the helmet, knee and elbow pads???

Not sure just how many of you remember "They Boy in the Plastic Bubble" circa 1976 featuring John Travolta. We'll all be in them soon.

 

[bearbait]

Taryl fixes all

I watched a few of this guys videos and he never fails to crack me up. Skip to 14.00 unless you need to know how to replace a drive belt.

 

[Magicman]

I called my stockbroker today and asked, "What are you buying" ?



His answer: ''Canned goods and ammunition''.

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Magicman]

BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
Me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
The table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
Her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
Nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . ... . ... . ..

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Daren Todd]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

 

[i7win7]

Double masking kinda sucks

 

[i7win7]

Heard they're doing a remake of easy rider

 

[Magicman]

These classifieds adds....

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER:
8-years old. Hateful little turd. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES:
Mother, AKC German Shepherd...
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG:
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK:
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES:
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE :
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed,Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

 

[Daylight]

That may seem funny, but I wonder what happened to the driver, as I had something eerily similar happen to me thirty years ago. I was driving down a 2-lane road going 55, when a 4x8 sheet of half-inch plywood flew off a truck coming from the other direction, also doing 55, and landed just above the bottom of the windscreen, totaling the car and almost killing me. Whenever something -piece of paper, branch,...- hurtles towards me when I'm at the wheel, I still have a knee-jerk reaction even when it doesn't hit the car (especially in autumn I have to be careful).

View attachment 58892

 

[Daren Todd]

Like all pilots, Santa Claus receives regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration to ensure that all of his equipment is in proper working order for the festive season. In preparation for the FAA examiner’s inspection last month, Santa got the elves to wash the sleigh and bathe all the reindeer. Santa then went through his books to make sure they were right up to date, for he knew that the examiner would be extremely thorough. On arrival, the examiner walked slowly around the sleigh. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sleigh’s enormous load. Finally they were ready for the test ride, in which Santa’s flying skills would come under intense scrutiny. Santa got in to the sleigh, fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. All the reindeer were in position. Then the examiner hopped in, carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun. ‘What’s that for?’ asked Santa nervously. The examiner winked and confided: ‘I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time, but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Bmyers]