Daily Chuckle

[Newlyme]

Little 11 year old Johnny was sitting on the couch with his mother watching TV and he asks his mom how old she is.
Mom says it's not polite to ask a woman her age.
A few minutes later little Johnny asks his mom how much she weighs.
Mom replies it's not polite to ask a woman how much she weighs.
A little while later Johnny asks mom why Daddy left.
Mom replies, Johnny you're too young to understand and grabs her purse and rushes out of the room.
While doing so her wallet falls out of her purse and lands on the floor open with her drivers license exposed. Little Johnny picks it up and starts down the hall to return it to mom reading it along the way.
When he hands the wallet over to mom he says, you're 42, weigh 139, and I know why Daddy left.
You got a "F" in sex.

 

[skeets]

A good old Montana boy won a fishing boat in a raffle drawing.

He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that?! There isn’t no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his fishing boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a fishing boat with a fishing rod in his hand.

He yells out to him, "What are you doing'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishing'. What does it look like I'm a doing'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Montana a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your butt!"

 

[bearbait]

New wife

One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage.
His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that
we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage.

You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they
take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up
so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it.I
also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing
equipment..."And what's the use of that vintage hot rod?

Dick got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Dick replied, "I wasn't..."

 

[skeets]

A 79-year-old biker is having a drink in a bar when a gorgeous girl enters and sits down just a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.


Before the man has time to say a word, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's one other condition."


Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. She said, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."


The old biker takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
(Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains)

 

[seanbarr]

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[mattwithcats]

I got no words...

 

[skeets]

Doc says I need a lot more protein in my diet,,, So I got the protein stuff to make protein shakes,,,, Funny thing is they keep turning into margaritas !

 

[Orangeglow]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

 

[DustyRusty]

0123456789

 

[D2Cat]

Default Secrets of a Long Happy Marriage

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says,”I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”

Her husband says, “It that you, or the wine talking?”

She replies, “That was me . . . . talking to the wine”.

 

[D2Cat]

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.

 

[bearbait]

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.

You know when people say I feel your pain well now I know what they mean.

 

[skeets]

Quote
A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Okay. Have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

“The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

 

[zload]

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world"
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
"First Place" said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering" says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
“First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?”
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?
Pinocchio says "This is mine."
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked
"Anybody ever heard of a lady named Pelosi ?" asked Pinocchio .

 

[Lil Foot]

A heartwarming lawyer story:

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied "We have to eat
grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer
said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating
grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

 

[sheepfarmer]

Sign posted on a gate in Tennessee: You'd be better off sandpapering a lions ass in pork chop panties than being caught on the other side of this fence.

 

[D2Cat]

A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied, and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party."

 

[skeets]

Sign posted on a gate in Tennessee: You'd be better off sandpapering a lions ass in pork chop panties than being caught on the other side of this fence.

Now I have to clean the putter screen,,,, Thanks sheepfarmer I needed that

 

[North Idaho Wolfman]

Sign posted on a gate in Tennessee: You'd be better off sandpapering a lions ass in pork chop panties than being caught on the other side of this fence.

Now I have to clean the putter screen,,,, Thanks sheepfarmer I needed that

I gasped a little when I read this, then fell off my chair!

 

[Newlyme]

Corney joke time.
Here's one you.can tell the Grandkids.

What does the Farmer give his Wife for Valentines Day?

Hogs and Kisses.