armylifer
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BX1860, FEL, RCK54P MMM, BB1548 Box Scraper, Quick Hitch, Piranha Bar, BX6315
Daily Chuckle
- Thread starter skeets
- Start date
It's not wrong if your alone and you LYAO is it? Too funny, thanks DT
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85Hokie
Moderator
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Equipment
BX-25D ,PTB. Under Armor, '90&'92-B7100HST's, '06 BX1850 FEL
Now thats funny!!!!!
I would laugh IF I was stuck in traffic..........then again - few can appreciate good ol humor anymore!
I would laugh IF I was stuck in traffic..........then again - few can appreciate good ol humor anymore!
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.' The room erupted in applause.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.' The room erupted in applause.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
I passed one of those signs next to interstate 4 in Orlando. That road is notorious for extremely bad traffic. The sign said "Your Screwed!!!!!!"
The traffic signs in Little Rock have been reading "Not Buckled??? We're telling santa!!!" Or something to that effect
Lil Foot
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Lifetime Member
Equipment
1979 B7100DT Gear, Nissan Hanix N150-2 Excavator
I am notorious for not giving money to people begging on the side of the road.
I have actually hit people who became too aggressive.
A few years ago there was a guy begging at the side of the road.
(SB off ramp at Indian School, for you locals)
He had a big cardboard sign that read:
"WILL WORK FOR FOOD" but it was crossed out.
"HOMELESS PLEASE HELP" but it was crossed out.
"DISABLED VETERAN" but it was crossed out.
"RECOVERING ADDICT" but it was crossed out.
etc, etc, etc
This continued to the bottom of the sign where he had written
"HELL, I NEED A BEER"
I waved him over and gave him a fin for the best laugh I'd had in a while.
I have actually hit people who became too aggressive.
A few years ago there was a guy begging at the side of the road.
(SB off ramp at Indian School, for you locals)
He had a big cardboard sign that read:
"WILL WORK FOR FOOD" but it was crossed out.
"HOMELESS PLEASE HELP" but it was crossed out.
"DISABLED VETERAN" but it was crossed out.
"RECOVERING ADDICT" but it was crossed out.
etc, etc, etc
This continued to the bottom of the sign where he had written
"HELL, I NEED A BEER"
I waved him over and gave him a fin for the best laugh I'd had in a while.
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
There was a guy down in Orlando that passed out homemade signs to the homeless folks begging on the strip for a test on a paper he was writing for college. He switched out the signs for clever little sayings instead. The donations went up 10 fold.
The guy with the sign saying "Why lie, I need beer money" was the biggest taker.
The second largest taker was "How about spreading some cheese on this broke cracker"
I also don't give money to beggars and vagrants. I've seen the same folks day in and day out begging around town since they changed the pan handling laws in the state. I asked one at the exit of one of the shopping strips in town what they did before they changed the law. Got a 1 finger salute and a F...you for my question.
CaveCreekRay
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Lifetime Member
Equipment
L3800 HST, KingKutter box scraper, KingKutter 66" rake, County Pride Subsoiler
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch,
severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a
shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak,
I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a
shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak,
I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
Lil Foot
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
1979 B7100DT Gear, Nissan Hanix N150-2 Excavator
A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.
As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a concealed weapon permit.
Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, "Do you have a gun in your possession?"
She replied in her crackly voice, "Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box."
The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.
She replied, "I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console."
The shocked trooper asked, "Is that all the weapons you are transporting?"
The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse."
Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?"
And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a F- ing Thing."
As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a concealed weapon permit.
Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, "Do you have a gun in your possession?"
She replied in her crackly voice, "Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box."
The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.
She replied, "I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console."
The shocked trooper asked, "Is that all the weapons you are transporting?"
The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse."
Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?"
And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a F- ing Thing."
Chili Contest
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better..The
notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)
*****************
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy $&!+, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
Flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
******************
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
*******************
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $&!+-faced from
all of the beer...
********************
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
********************
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
**********************
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I $&!+ on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
********************
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
*************************
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better..The
notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)
*****************
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy $&!+, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
Flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
******************
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
*******************
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $&!+-faced from
all of the beer...
********************
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
********************
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
**********************
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I $&!+ on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a
snow cone.
********************
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
*************************
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
I saw a bill board for a septic company a while back. Sign said "We're number 1 in the number 2 buisiness"
RCW
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
BX2360, FEL, MMM, BX2750D snowblower. 1953 Minneapolis Moline ZAU
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
