A statue of a naked woman and a naked man stand in a park at night. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a magical genie arrives and grants the statues each one wish to be fulfilled. Both the female and male statues agree on 15 minutes as a real man and woman in the bushes behind them to "get things done." The genie gives a knowing grin and grants the wish. The man and woman immediately jump behind the bushes and screaming sounds and laughter can be heard from their activities. 12 minutes later they return to the front of the bush again claiming they are finished. "Well now, that was kinda quick!" the genie says. "You can do it a second time for the remaining 3 minutes if you want," the genie tells them, winking his eye. Both the female and male look at each other and smile. The man says to the woman, "Okay great, but this time you get to hold the pigeon so I can crap on him!"
Daily Chuckle
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A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of
you love your husband?" All the women raised their hand.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband "I love you, sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and
read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married
for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true
love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of
you love your husband?" All the women raised their hand.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband "I love you, sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and
read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married
for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true
love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
PHPaul
Well-known member
Equipment
B2650, Pronovost snow blower, Landpride rotary mower, Howard tiller, box blade
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. " You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother, Ann and stated, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
Next, he turned to Joyce, the third mother and said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy's hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, this guy doesn't have any idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother, Ann and stated, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
Next, he turned to Joyce, the third mother and said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy's hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, this guy doesn't have any idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
I saw this one today....
Boston mass.
Skinny jeans and elf shoes kind of says it all...
.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
Boston mass.
Skinny jeans and elf shoes kind of says it all...
.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
New Supermarket In Oklahoma
A new supermarket opened in Norman. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
A new supermarket opened in Norman. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
An attractive ( ok - drop dead gorgeous ) blonde stewardess was welcoming passengers aboard a flight from New Orleans to Washington D.C. when one of the passengers handed her a box of frozen crab. He told her it was frozen and it was imperative that it remain so for the duration of the flight. The stewardess told him she would personally stow the box in the crew's freezer compartment and it would be fine. The passenger went on and on in the manner of pompous windbags and explained that he was an attorney and what kind of legal trouble he could cause her if that box even began to thaw before landing. At this point he was holding up the boarding process so she again assured him and directed him to his seat. Ticked off at the pompous arrogance of the man the stewardess returned to cabin forward and prepared for takeoff.
Just prior to final approach to Washington Dulles airport the stewardess came over the cabin intercom with the following: "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" No one moved. She repeated the announcement but still no response. The plane landed with out incident and afterward the stewardess took the crab home and had a lovely dinner with friends.
Two things to learn here: a) Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. b) Blondes aren't as dumb as we think they are.
Just prior to final approach to Washington Dulles airport the stewardess came over the cabin intercom with the following: "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" No one moved. She repeated the announcement but still no response. The plane landed with out incident and afterward the stewardess took the crab home and had a lovely dinner with friends.
Two things to learn here: a) Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. b) Blondes aren't as dumb as we think they are.
Da SOUTH!
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!"
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University
of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized
world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for
the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal
Henry!"
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University
of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized
world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one
behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
A really BAD day
I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
***8220;I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve................. and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, enough about me, how are you doing?"
I was sitting there at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
***8220;I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in, and I sit here watching the poison dissolve................. and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
But, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Mayday! Mayday!
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,
"Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower : "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft : "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!"
Tower : "Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft : "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"
Tower :
"Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re flying upside down?"
Aircraft :
“The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!"
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees!
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,
"Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! Mayday, mayday!"
The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone!
"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions! The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!"
He began his series of questions:
Tower : "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft : "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!"
Tower : "Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft : "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!"
Tower :
"Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast! So how do you know you’re flying upside down?"
Aircraft :
“The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!"
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Mozarker
New member
Equipment
B2150HST, LA350A FEL, Brush Hog, Rear Blade, Post Hole Digger, Gravely ZT mower
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Wife found it on one of the sites she's onNice one, Daren...very punny.You didn't snap that anywhere near Toadsuck did you?
I'm not to far from toad suck