Daily Chuckle

[DaTow'd]

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Los Angeles Airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.



When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."



The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."



The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."



Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."



The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."



Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."



The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"



"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.



"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed. "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"



The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, 'Who gives a shit?' I learned to say, 'Well, bless your heart'!"

 

[skeets]

IN honor of that little twerp wit da bow an arrow

A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of
you love your husband?" All the women raised their hand.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband "I love you, sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and
read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.


Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married
for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true
love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

 

[DaTow'd]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.


The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.


Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.


A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.


There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.


Women blink twice as often as men.


The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.


Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.


If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


Women : will be finished reading this by now.


Men: are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[bearbait]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51rHWly7sHA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe-WCSBDcNI

 

[skeets]

On the 3rd day I juiced a HAM...lmao

 

[bearbait]

On the 3rd day I juiced a HAM...lmao

Damn shame he's not with us any longer, funny guy.

 

[Little Orange]

Just the greatest Grandpa. (Note this someone else's video).

https://www.theweathernetwork.com/c...e-judge/sharevideo/5735420500001/most_popular

 

[Daren Todd]

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk

 

[bearbait]

Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets. "How in the God's name did that happen?"

His wife replies, "Remember that night I was very dry and we had no Vaseline, so we used 3 in 1 oil?

"Bejaysus," says Paddy, "I'm friggin glad I didn't use WD40!!

 

[sawmill]

The first guy to ever eat an egg:
These two guys were watching this chicken. One guy told the other, I dare you to eat the next thing that comes out of that chicken’s butt.

 

[bearbait]

And of course I married a Canadian girl

 

[Redlands]

So how is your vision and body functions ?

 

[bearbait]

So how is your vision and body functions ?

Lol, well the vision is pretty good in the right light and the other we won't talk about.

 

[bearbait]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
Wait for it
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my boobs ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

 

[Daren Todd]

In celebration of the crappie weather we are having. Here's some tornado advise

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk

 

[skeets]

https://1funny.com/til-death-do-us-part/

 

[bearbait]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjJc8xLYhak

 

[DaTow'd]

8 words with 2 meanings...

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male....... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni- kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter- tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

[skeets]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

 

[Daren Todd]

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk