Skeet’s make sure their are no close weapons [emoji4]
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Daily Chuckle
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85Hokie
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I think I wet my pants......
LAUGHING at her!
THAT is too older people who can take a joke......
new generation folk would probably get into a fist fight!
that was funny as as....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFlCD5CYAcU
A young boy enters a barber shop and
the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the
dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy
coming out of the ice cream store and says ;
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over".
the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the
dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy
coming out of the ice cream store and says ;
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over".
Quote
In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin.
Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying.
This is a perfect example of this teaching:
Getting a Hairdryer through Customs.....
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
Of course my child. What can I do for you?'
I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please
In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin.
Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying.
This is a perfect example of this teaching:
Getting a Hairdryer through Customs.....
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
Of course my child. What can I do for you?'
I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please
So you wonder where the weather man gets his information?
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold', the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a chitload of firewood."
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold', the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a chitload of firewood."
I was thinking of Skeets when I saw this, don't know why. "I spent half my money on wine, women, and song.....and like a fool I squandered the rest." - Benny Hill
Lil Foot
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Daren Todd
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SLIGHTLY ADULT
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "what's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "ok, I'm a high-end call girl"
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "what does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "what's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "ok, I'm a high-end call girl"
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "what does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."
BEAR WARNING
In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung.
Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
Good one!
When a buddy and I visited Alaska we wanted to go hiking. Locals advised us to make lots of noise as we hiked and if we saw a bear to climb the nearest tree.
This was no easy task, the lowest branches were about 20 feet up. Once we were up the tree we should determine whether it was a black bear or a brown bear. "How do we tell?", we asked. Their reply: "A black bear will climb the tree to get you, and a brown bear will knock it down!"
I get the feeling they'd been asked that before...
-- Carl
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According to the game warden here in Northeast Ohio the bear population has been on a slow and steady rise over the last decade. The nuisance bears when caught were sent to the rural areas of Western Pennsylvania in an agreement with the Pennsylvania Department of Natural Resources.
Since the number of bears being sent to Pennsylvania has been steadily increasing they are no longer being accepted. However since bears wander a large area and the state of Pennsylvania does not want to be unreasonable they have instituted a new policy. If a Pennsylvania bear wanders into Ohio they will accept one of their bears back. The Pennsylvania Department of Natural Resources has notified their counterparts here in Ohio how they will easily be able to properly identify their nuisance bear population. The procedure is to capture the bear and tranquilize it then to lift and look under the tail. If you see a big red "O" then it is an Ohio bear and they will not accept it for relocation.
Since the number of bears being sent to Pennsylvania has been steadily increasing they are no longer being accepted. However since bears wander a large area and the state of Pennsylvania does not want to be unreasonable they have instituted a new policy. If a Pennsylvania bear wanders into Ohio they will accept one of their bears back. The Pennsylvania Department of Natural Resources has notified their counterparts here in Ohio how they will easily be able to properly identify their nuisance bear population. The procedure is to capture the bear and tranquilize it then to lift and look under the tail. If you see a big red "O" then it is an Ohio bear and they will not accept it for relocation.
Daren Todd
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So my wife did a good one today. Her work has themed days on occasion for nurses week, CNA week, ect......
Today was ugly sweater day. So she happened to be shopping this weekend, found a sweater that said "Merry Christmas you filthy animals" complete with stripes and abstract moose prints. Her issue was she didn't really pay attention to the moose graphics.
So she gets to work, and one of her coworkers is admiring her sweater. Then says "oh my god!!!!" And starts laughing, doubled over. The moose were mating
Today was ugly sweater day. So she happened to be shopping this weekend, found a sweater that said "Merry Christmas you filthy animals" complete with stripes and abstract moose prints. Her issue was she didn't really pay attention to the moose graphics.
So she gets to work, and one of her coworkers is admiring her sweater. Then says "oh my god!!!!" And starts laughing, doubled over. The moose were mating
Daren Todd
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A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grampa, Grampa," she says excitedly,
"As soon as my mom comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak,
we're all going to Disney World !
"As soon as my mom comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak,
we're all going to Disney World !