Daily Chuckle

[olthumpa]

Re: Daily Chuckel

A recent study concluded that women with a little weight in the middle live quite a bit longer then the man who pointed it out!!!

LMAO

How true how true!

 

[sawmill]

Re: Daily Chuckel

This teenage girl wanted her boyfriend to get her a Mexican hairless dog for her birthday. He looked everywhere and couldn't find one, so he gets her a schnauzer. After a few days she decides to get some some hair remover and take all the dog's hair off. So she gets on her moped and goes to the drugstore. She tells the drugist she needs some hair remover. He said "I have some really good stuff here, but if you put it on your legs you won't be able to wear nylons for a day or two." She said "It's not for my legs." He said "well, if you use it under your arms you might have to hold your arms out from your side for a couple of days." She said "It's not for under my arms, it's for my schnauzer." He said "Damn honey, if you put this stuff on your schnauzer you won't be able to ride that honda for a week."

 

[olthumpa]

Re: Daily Chuckel

I met an honest politician yesterday.

 

[Lil Foot]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Right, and I met a competent bureaucrat!

 

[85Hokie]

Re: Daily Chuckel

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

I take it that was a three minute egg? dayum skeets......you are killin me !!!!

 

[skeets]

Re: Daily Chuckel

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

when the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'

 

[Daren Todd]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Two nuns are doing their grocery shopping. As they pass the cooler full of beer, one nun says longingly to the other one, "A cold beer would go down great tonight!" "Indeed," the other nun replies, "but how can we show up with beer at the check-out counter?" "Don't worry, I have a plan," the other nun answers. "Grab a six-pack." The cashier is surprised when he sees the beer, but the one nun is ready with an explanation. "We use the beer to wash our hair" she says. "At the convent, we call it 'Catholic shampoo.'" Without hesitation the cashier bends down, grabs a package of pretzels, and throws it in one of the nuns' groceries bags, saying "The curlers are on the house."

 

[sheepfarmer]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Optimism is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking tartar sauce with you.

 

[D2Cat]

Re: Daily Chuckel

sheepfarmer, that is a quote by the late Zig Ziglar.

 

[sawmill]

Re: Daily Chuckel

A man lying on a stretcher in the emergency room asks the doctor if he'll be okay. The doctor turns to him and says, "Well, there is good and bad news."
"Tell me the bad news" says the man.
"Well," says the doctor, "the bad news is that we are going to half to cut both your legs off."
"Oh my God," cries the man, "what the hell is the good news?"
"The good news is," replies the doctor, "see that man over there? He wants to buy your shoes."

 

[ShaunBlake]

Re: Daily Chuckel

sheepfarmer, that is a quote by the late Zig Ziglar.

Well, it wasn't too late to make me chuckle, right out loud.

 

[sheepfarmer]

Re: Daily Chuckel

sheepfarmer, that is a quote by the late Zig Ziglar.

I wondered what the source was, I saw it on that fine literary journal Facebook...

 

[Daren Todd]

Re: Daily Chuckel

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?” “I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.” “Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.” “Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.” “I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.” “Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

 

[sawmill]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

 

[bh115577]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Nymphomaniac Convention


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman
boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "" Business.
I'm going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to
him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
" Lecturer," she responded.
" I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences
to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
" Really?" he said.
And what kind of myths are there?"
" Well," she explained, " One popular myth is that
African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,
when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to
possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best
stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
" I'm sorry," she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of
this with you. I don't even know your name..."
" Tonto," the man said,
" Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[sawmill]

Re: Daily Chuckel

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

 

[Daren Todd]

Re: Daily Chuckel

A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"

 

[Daren Todd]

Re: Daily Chuckel

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

 

[Benhameen]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Actually heard this line used at the bar the other day.

Older gentleman ask the very attractive younger bartender, do you ever feel like old age is creeping up on you honey? She said no not really, he said lay down baby.....

 

[bh115577]

Re: Daily Chuckel

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Murphy's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister on any number of occasions."