Daily Chuckle

[Daren Todd]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Text between fathet and daughter

Daughter: Dad, you lied to me!!! You said my boyfried would die if we had sex before I turned 16. But we just had sex ed in class and that's not true according to the teacher!!!

Dad: Oh....he will honey, he most certainly will!!!!!!

 

[sawmill]

Re: Daily Chuckel

True story.

One day, several years ago, one of our granddaughters (who was about 9 at the time) told my wife that her chest was hurting. My wife got to checking and told her that her body was beginning to change. Told her it was do to the hormones in her body. Well her little sister (who was about 6 at the time) said "oh yuk hormones! My wife said "you don't even know what hormones are". The little one said "UH-HUH. There those things that hang out of your butt".

 

[skeets]

Re: Daily Chuckel

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a quiz the other day.
I lost by one point. The question was "Where do women mostly
have curly hair?" Apparently, the correct answer was Africa ..

****
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly
found in cells. It appears that Negroes and Mexicans is not
the correct answer, either.

****
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good
product name.

****

My wife told me I was no longer romantic, so I booked a table
for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Wouldn't you know it!
She sucks at snooker & eight-ball.

****

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping
center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at
some bomber jackets.

****

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least
they drive slowly past schools.

****

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

****

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it
on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to
arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 f......g Muslims have added me
as a friend!!

****

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent
trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the
porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick
bastard.”

 

[skeets]

Re: Daily Chuckel

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying

to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,

"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"


The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

[85Hokie]

Re: Daily Chuckel

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying

to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,

"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.

Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"


The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Dayum - I needed that ......still laughing....................skeets you de man!

 

[Daren Todd]

Re: Daily Chuckel

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

 

[ShaunBlake]

Re: Daily Chuckel

...
"But it did happen to me sister on any number of occasions."

...
Apparently, the correct answer was Africa ..
****
It appears that Negroes and Mexicans is not the correct answer, either.

I laughed until my dogs started giving me nervous looks.

 

[D2Cat]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Tool Definitions:

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh be nice'. Will easily wind a tee shirt off your back.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also excels at amputations.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor can sew up the damage.

SON OF A BYCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bych' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[skeets]

Re: Daily Chuckel

LMAO,, and there is more truth in that than most of us would ever admit to,,lol

 

[sheepfarmer]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Crum, D2, is there any other way of using those tools? that's all they do at my house! Especially the channel locks...I think you should create one to describe how power lathes are designed/capable of hurling bowl gouges through the wall, thus destroying anyone's hopes of making nice salad bowls out of wood from their own place

 

[D2Cat]

Re: Daily Chuckel

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I
can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2
hours.' The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How
long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a
half.’ The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob , do me a favor
follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!

 

[D2Cat]

Re: Daily Chuckel

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the dam ship?"

 

[sawmill]

Re: Daily Chuckel

This 65 year old farmer married a 25 year old woman. They had been married about 2 months and never consimated their marriage. One day she looked out the kitchen window watching him plow the field. All at once he looked towards the house, threw his plow down and came running for the house. He ran into the kitchen, threw her down on the floor and made love to her. When they finished he got up, never said a word and went back to plowing. After that, every day she would stand and watch him out the window. About 2 more months went by and one day he looked towards the house, threw the plow down and started running towards the house. She figured she would be ready for him, so she ripped her clothes off and lay down the kitchen floor. He came running in and said "get off the floor you over sexed son of b_tch the house is on fire".

 

[skeets]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Police Shooting
A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here.........
An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

 

[skeets]

Re: Daily Chuckel

A store that sells new> husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to> choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door> reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the> second floor, where the sign> reads:>>>
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. '
That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and> are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are> Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the> street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer
The third,
fourth,
fifth
and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[Daren Todd]

Re: Daily Chuckel

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

 

[Daren Todd]

Re: Daily Chuckel

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

 

[Daren Todd]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

 

[skeets]

Re: Daily Chuckel

My wife has been missing a week now.

The police said to prepare for the worst.

So I went down to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

 

[sawmill]

Re: Daily Chuckel

Bumper Sticker:

Horn broke. Watch for finger.