Re: Daily Chuckel
Keep 'em coming! I can't remember or tell a joke worth diddly, but I sure can enjoy them
Keep 'em coming! I can't remember or tell a joke worth diddly, but I sure can enjoy them
Daily Chuckle
- Thread starter skeets
- Start date
Daren Todd
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Re: Daily Chuckel
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
Re: Daily Chuckel
An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and relized he had left it at home. The lady told him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he was old enough for social security.
After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.
After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he probably could have gotten disability too.
An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and relized he had left it at home. The lady told him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he was old enough for social security.
After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.
After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he probably could have gotten disability too.
Re: Daily Chuckel
Gee Im sorry Larry that you are somewhat concerned at this thread. It must be a strange state of mind, that one finds it concerning when some one laughs.
Because with ever joke/story and comment we know of some one doing, saying or being involved with a story like that, sometimes it is even about our selves.
Life has enough pain and sorry in it and a laugh is sometimes the only things that keeps us from braking down and loosing it.
Myself and I'm sure may others have seen and partaken, in the cause and aftermath of things most people have never seen or could understand.
And a chuckle is just one way to cope with the pain of loss or simply every day stress.. I apologize to you sir, for any degradation of this site that may have occurred due to the submittal of this post.
Gee Im sorry Larry that you are somewhat concerned at this thread. It must be a strange state of mind, that one finds it concerning when some one laughs.
Because with ever joke/story and comment we know of some one doing, saying or being involved with a story like that, sometimes it is even about our selves.
Life has enough pain and sorry in it and a laugh is sometimes the only things that keeps us from braking down and loosing it.
Myself and I'm sure may others have seen and partaken, in the cause and aftermath of things most people have never seen or could understand.
And a chuckle is just one way to cope with the pain of loss or simply every day stress.. I apologize to you sir, for any degradation of this site that may have occurred due to the submittal of this post.
Daren Todd
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Re: Daily Chuckel
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"
85Hokie
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Re: Daily Chuckel
AND LMAO!
keep 'em coming fellers!
I am hopin' that skeets pulls us up to his level about 8 more pages......makes me want to start my day.....spittin' on the screen!Is anybody worried that skeets has pulled us down/up (your choice) to his level of humor for a thread that is now eight pages long?
AND LMAO!keep 'em coming fellers!
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Re: Daily Chuckel
Gee, now its my turn to apologize. First I knew I forgot something on my previous post it was supposed to include these at the end:: Second this thread is in the off topic area, if I was offended why was I reading it. Third the intent was a subtle question as to wither Irish humor represented by skeets was a move up or down. On reflection it is probably an acquired taste, like scotch, and may take another page or eight, depending on how long the scotch lasts to determine.
PS I already know this thread is better than Obama jokes, no matter how funny they always have a bad after taste.
Gee, now its my turn to apologize. First I knew I forgot something on my previous post it was supposed to include these at the end:
: Second this thread is in the off topic area, if I was offended why was I reading it. Third the intent was a subtle question as to wither Irish humor represented by skeets was a move up or down. On reflection it is probably an acquired taste, like scotch, and may take another page or eight, depending on how long the scotch lasts to determine.PS I already know this thread is better than Obama jokes, no matter how funny they always have a bad after taste.
Re: Daily Chuckel
A drunk man walks out of the bar and sees a nun standing at the bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she is on the ground crying he says," Not so tough are you now Batman!"
A drunk man walks out of the bar and sees a nun standing at the bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she is on the ground crying he says," Not so tough are you now Batman!"
Re: Daily Chuckel
An Irishman goes into a bar and says to the bartender, give me a Scotch at least 18 years old. The Irishman takes his Scotch and sits in a booth in the back of the bar. An hour goes by and the Irishman goes up to the bartender and says, that was very good - now I would like a Scotch that is 21 years old. Again the Irishman takes his Scotch and sits in a booth in the back of the bar. An hour goes by and the Irishman goes back up to the bartender and says, both the 18 and 21 year old were very good but I can not decide which one was the best - give me an 18 and a 21 year old Scotch so I can decide which one I like the best. About a half hour goes buy and the Irishman's wife comes into the bar and sees her husband in a dark back booth of the bar with the two. Madder than a wet hen she heads straight for him, and gives him the hardest slap across the face that she can muster. I told you to leave the Lassies alone.
An Irishman goes into a bar and says to the bartender, give me a Scotch at least 18 years old. The Irishman takes his Scotch and sits in a booth in the back of the bar. An hour goes by and the Irishman goes up to the bartender and says, that was very good - now I would like a Scotch that is 21 years old. Again the Irishman takes his Scotch and sits in a booth in the back of the bar. An hour goes by and the Irishman goes back up to the bartender and says, both the 18 and 21 year old were very good but I can not decide which one was the best - give me an 18 and a 21 year old Scotch so I can decide which one I like the best. About a half hour goes buy and the Irishman's wife comes into the bar and sees her husband in a dark back booth of the bar with the two. Madder than a wet hen she heads straight for him, and gives him the hardest slap across the face that she can muster. I told you to leave the Lassies alone.
Re: Daily Chuckel
Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
Three men - a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
Daren Todd
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Re: Daily Chuckel
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
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85Hokie
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Re: Daily Chuckel
- do you know how hard it is to clean mashed potatoes off the screen? .........LMAO!!!!
Damnit ......stop it
- do you know how hard it is to clean mashed potatoes off the screen? .........LMAO!!!!Re: Daily Chuckel
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
Re: Daily Chuckel
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit" The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"
Re: Daily Chuckel
A frequent flier and a first time flier are seated next to each other on a flight from New York to London. After takeoff, the caption comes on the intercom and says - "welcome aboard ladies and gentleman. You are on Delta flight #7351 flying from New York to London. You are flying at 32,000 feet in a Boeing 747 one of the safest planes in the world so sit back and enjoy the 8hr flight. The veteran flyer relaxes and leans back in his seat. The noob turns to the vet and asks if that is the way everything is supposed to be and is reassured that it is.
Half way into the flight they hear a loud noise. The caption comes on the intercom in a calm voice and says - "ladies and gentle man, we have just lost an engine but there is nothing to worry about we have three other engines but the loss of one engine will delay our landing in London by three hours. The noob looks over at the veteran flier who is leaning back in his seat sleeping. In a near panic the noob wakes the vet and says, we just lost an engine and we are going to be three hours late. What are we going to do? Again the vet calmly reassures him that everything is ok and that they will just be three hours late.
A couple hours later flight they hear another loud noise. The caption comes on the intercom in a slightly shaken but voice and says - "ladies and gentle man, we have just lost another engine but there is nothing to worry about we have two other engines but the loss of one more engine will delay our landing in London by eight hours. The noob looks over at the veteran flier who is leaning back in his but is now awake. With concern in his voice the noob says, we just lost another engine and we are now going to be eight hours late. What are we going to do? Again the vet reassures him that everything is ok and that they will just be eight hours late.
A couple hours later they hear another loud noise. The caption comes on the intercom in a shaken voice and says - "ladies and gentle man, we have just lost another engine but there is nothing to worry about we still have one engines but the loss of three engine will delay our landing in London by twenty hours. The noob looks over at the veteran flier who is now sitting up in his seat and says in a reassuring voice says, there is nothing to worry about. We have just lost a third engine and it is going to take us another 20hrs to get to London. But if we loose another engine, we are going to be up here for ever.
A frequent flier and a first time flier are seated next to each other on a flight from New York to London. After takeoff, the caption comes on the intercom and says - "welcome aboard ladies and gentleman. You are on Delta flight #7351 flying from New York to London. You are flying at 32,000 feet in a Boeing 747 one of the safest planes in the world so sit back and enjoy the 8hr flight. The veteran flyer relaxes and leans back in his seat. The noob turns to the vet and asks if that is the way everything is supposed to be and is reassured that it is.
Half way into the flight they hear a loud noise. The caption comes on the intercom in a calm voice and says - "ladies and gentle man, we have just lost an engine but there is nothing to worry about we have three other engines but the loss of one engine will delay our landing in London by three hours. The noob looks over at the veteran flier who is leaning back in his seat sleeping. In a near panic the noob wakes the vet and says, we just lost an engine and we are going to be three hours late. What are we going to do? Again the vet calmly reassures him that everything is ok and that they will just be three hours late.
A couple hours later flight they hear another loud noise. The caption comes on the intercom in a slightly shaken but voice and says - "ladies and gentle man, we have just lost another engine but there is nothing to worry about we have two other engines but the loss of one more engine will delay our landing in London by eight hours. The noob looks over at the veteran flier who is leaning back in his but is now awake. With concern in his voice the noob says, we just lost another engine and we are now going to be eight hours late. What are we going to do? Again the vet reassures him that everything is ok and that they will just be eight hours late.
A couple hours later they hear another loud noise. The caption comes on the intercom in a shaken voice and says - "ladies and gentle man, we have just lost another engine but there is nothing to worry about we still have one engines but the loss of three engine will delay our landing in London by twenty hours. The noob looks over at the veteran flier who is now sitting up in his seat and says in a reassuring voice says, there is nothing to worry about. We have just lost a third engine and it is going to take us another 20hrs to get to London. But if we loose another engine, we are going to be up here for ever.
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Re: Daily Chuckel
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Re: Daily Chuckel
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Re: Daily Chuckel
WAITING
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed .... so we're just waiting.
WAITING
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed .... so we're just waiting.
Daren Todd
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Re: Daily Chuckel
How I learned to mind my own business: I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and I could hear all the patients shouting, "13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting, "14! 14! 14!"
How I learned to mind my own business: I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and I could hear all the patients shouting, "13! 13! 13!" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting, "14! 14! 14!"
Daren Todd
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Re: Daily Chuckel
A recent study concluded that women with a little weight in the middle live quite a bit longer then the man who pointed it out!!!
A recent study concluded that women with a little weight in the middle live quite a bit longer then the man who pointed it out!!!