Daily Chuckle

[D2Cat]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of
the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the
drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by
this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and
saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have
tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did
you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

 

[DThrash]

Preacher man walked by just as a little boy finished cutting the grass. He said, little fellow how much you want for that lawn mower. The little boy said 25.00. Preacher man paid him and pushed the lawn mower home. The next day the preacher man comes back and says to the little boy, how do you get that mower started ? Little boy says you have to curse at it. The preacher man says he doesn't do that, little boy says you pull on it enough you will start.

 

[skeets]

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes.

1st one in Beer
2nd one in Wine
3rd one in Whiskey
4th one in Mineral water

The next day the teacher shows the results.

The first worm in Beer , dead.
The 2nd one in Wine , dead
The 3rd one in Whiskey , dead.
The 4th one in Mineral water , alive and healthy .

The teacher asks the class :
What do we learn from this experience ?

Little Johnny responds :
Whoever drinks Beer, Wine and Whiskey does not have worms !

 

[bearbait]

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes.

1st one in Beer
2nd one in Wine
3rd one in Whiskey
4th one in Mineral water

The next day the teacher shows the results.

The first worm in Beer , dead.
The 2nd one in Wine , dead
The 3rd one in Whiskey , dead.
The 4th one in Mineral water , alive and healthy .

The teacher asks the class :
What do we learn from this experience ?

Little Johnny responds :
Whoever drinks Beer, Wine and Whiskey does not have worms !

Well that's a relief, I was starting to worry.

 

[D2Cat]

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one nigh the came home sober.

Dear Abby, What can i do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

 

[Stmar]

Obama went to an elementary school in Texas to talk about gun control. He stood in front of the class and snapped his fingers several times and said "Each time I snap my fingers someone is shot by a gun". From the back of the class Little Johnny shouts out "Then quit snapping your fingers dumbaz".

 

[seanbarr]

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.

Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."...


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[DThrash]

He is lucky his dad waited till after supper.

 

[DThrash]

Little Johnny and Bobby was out in the back yard playing, Bobby went out to the edge to pee, a snake bite his little thingy. Johnny ran back in the house and called the doctor. Doctor told him to go out there and suck all the poison out or Bobby would die. Johnny runs back outside to Bobby and told him the doctor said he was going to die.

 

[skeets]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

 

[SidecarFlip]

That, is a good one Skeets.... I wonder if I could get away with that....

 

[bearbait]

Ok, everyone put their hand up, oooh never mind.

 

[skeets]

LMAO,,, now I have to clean the screen again

 

[Lil Foot]

Ok, everyone put their hand up, oooh never mind.

I'd heard that one before, but somehow it's much funnier coming from two old ladies.

 

[mattwithcats]

Today’s laugh...

Saw this, had to post...

 

[Daren Todd]

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[D2Cat]

The more people I know, the more I understand why Noah only let animals on the boat!

 

[Daren Todd]

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[bucktail]

Those who don't know a burro from a burrow can't tell their ass from a hole in the ground

 

[Ping]

File this one under 'Sad but True'