I wish I had him.Imagine fleeing and hearing "Fetch me his soul, Satan!!!" And looking back to see that face
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Daily Chuckle
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armylifer
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
BX1860, FEL, RCK54P MMM, BB1548 Box Scraper, Quick Hitch, Piranha Bar, BX6315
If someone was yelling at me from the bank of a river I wouldn't come in toward him either.
So I get home this morning and my dog is laying on my porch covered in dirt and mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty.
Now, my neighbors raised these rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming, so I go out and ask them what's wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
Now, my neighbors raised these rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming, so I go out and ask them what's wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.
Engineering Terms
* A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.
* EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
* CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
* MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very high-tech.
* CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
* PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The damn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
* TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are floored that the stupid thing works.
* THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.
* ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
* RUGGED
Too heavy to lift without throwing your back out.
* LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.
* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.
* LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken
* A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.
* EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
* CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
* MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very high-tech.
* CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
* PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The damn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
* TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are floored that the stupid thing works.
* THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.
* ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
* RUGGED
Too heavy to lift without throwing your back out.
* LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.
* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.
* LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken
ShaunBlake
New member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
B6100D; B219; Piranha bar; Hodge stabilizers; Filled Ag rears; R322T w/48" deck
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabbie agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.” “He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”
The cabbie said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabbie agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.” “He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What would you do?”
The cabbie said, “I’d cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
A man with a speech impediment was desperate to get a job with a tooth brush company as a salesman.
After pestering the manager about giving him a chance, the manager finally agreed. He told the man if he could out sell the other two applicants, the job would be his. They were to meet in one month for the results.
After the month went by they all got together with the manager. The manager asked the first man how many units he sold. The man replied " I sold 2,740 units". The manager replied "That's pretty respectable".
He then asked the second applicant how many units he sold. "The applicant replied 3,298 units". The manager replied " wow, that's pretty darn good for your first month!!!"
He then asked the man with the speech impediment how many units he sold. The man proudly replied "10,732 units". The manager freaked and asked how in the world he sold that many tooth brushes in one month???
The man replied "Well.... I thought about it for a long time and decided to set up a taste testing booth at the local fair. People would come by and grab a sample. Make a face and say (eww... this tastes like crap!!!!). You know what I would tell them???? It is crap!!!!! Wanna buy a tooth brush??????"
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After pestering the manager about giving him a chance, the manager finally agreed. He told the man if he could out sell the other two applicants, the job would be his. They were to meet in one month for the results.
After the month went by they all got together with the manager. The manager asked the first man how many units he sold. The man replied " I sold 2,740 units". The manager replied "That's pretty respectable".
He then asked the second applicant how many units he sold. "The applicant replied 3,298 units". The manager replied " wow, that's pretty darn good for your first month!!!"
He then asked the man with the speech impediment how many units he sold. The man proudly replied "10,732 units". The manager freaked and asked how in the world he sold that many tooth brushes in one month???
The man replied "Well.... I thought about it for a long time and decided to set up a taste testing booth at the local fair. People would come by and grab a sample. Make a face and say (eww... this tastes like crap!!!!). You know what I would tell them???? It is crap!!!!! Wanna buy a tooth brush??????"
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Newlyme
Active member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
M4900 w/loader, finish mower, tiller, auger, rake. BX24 w/loader, backhoe
A rich guy in the neighborhood died recently and at the reading of the will it was discovered that he wanted all of his money buried with him.
The family was shocked and spoke with the family attorney to see what could be done.
Last week I ran into the widow in town and asked what the outcome was and she said there was nothing the family could do. They had to honor his wishes.
So I asked her what happens with the family now. She said no problems. I wrote a check for $10 million and put it on the pillow in the casket.
The family was shocked and spoke with the family attorney to see what could be done.
Last week I ran into the widow in town and asked what the outcome was and she said there was nothing the family could do. They had to honor his wishes.
So I asked her what happens with the family now. She said no problems. I wrote a check for $10 million and put it on the pillow in the casket.
NEWS ***65279;- HARLEY DAVIDSON SPEAKS TO DECLINING BIKE SALES - Millennials don't ride motorcycles
The reasons for the slump in sales at HD are not President Trump's fault. Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all. A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did..
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
The reasons for the slump in sales at HD are not President Trump's fault. Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all. A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did..
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
greeno
Member
Equipment
B2710 w/LA402 FEL, BL4690 hoe, RB1560, GS1560, Haban 5' sickle bar, 5' JD RC
Saw this on the Chive this morning. Us Kubota owners are a little bit crazy.
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Newlyme
Active member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
M4900 w/loader, finish mower, tiller, auger, rake. BX24 w/loader, backhoe
If you get carjacked while driving a Tesla, I believe that qualifies as an Assault and Battery.
Turbobrick240
Turbobrick240
Dave and Bill were out one beautiful afternoon playing a round of golf. They were walking down a fairway that was right next to the road that led to the local cemetery, when a funeral procession came down the road. As it passed, Dave took off his hat and bowed his head until the procession was past.
Touched by Dave's reverence, Bill said "that was a really respectful gesture you made when that procession passed, I'm touched."
Without looking up from addressing the ball for his next shot, Dave said "it was the least I could do, we were married for 35 years."
Touched by Dave's reverence, Bill said "that was a really respectful gesture you made when that procession passed, I'm touched."
Without looking up from addressing the ball for his next shot, Dave said "it was the least I could do, we were married for 35 years."
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked,
Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for. "I’m okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head. "
That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she? "
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for. "I’m okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head. "
That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she? "
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
Wife had gallbladder surgery yesterday. After the surgery, we had to stop by the drug store for her meds and a few other things.
I left my wife in the truck, groggy from the anesthesia. Since it was hot, I left the truck running with the AC going.
They called my name to let me know the meds were ready, and they had a huge line.
About a 5 minute wait in the line, my wife sends me a text message saying that surgery went well and that she was headed home
Now I'm faced with a decision. Bail on the line and go check to see if she indeed headed home and left me stranded or wait in line for another 10 minutes then find out
Not sure if I should call her and distract her, I bailed on the line, popped my head out and thankfully saw the truck still sitting in the parking lot
Thankfully the guy behind me told me to take my spot back in line or it would have been another 20 minute wait.
wife was trying to text her sister, but I had forgot to give her back her glasses
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I left my wife in the truck, groggy from the anesthesia. Since it was hot, I left the truck running with the AC going.
They called my name to let me know the meds were ready, and they had a huge line.
About a 5 minute wait in the line, my wife sends me a text message saying that surgery went well and that she was headed home
Now I'm faced with a decision. Bail on the line and go check to see if she indeed headed home and left me stranded or wait in line for another 10 minutes then find out
Not sure if I should call her and distract her, I bailed on the line, popped my head out and thankfully saw the truck still sitting in the parking lot
Thankfully the guy behind me told me to take my spot back in line or it would have been another 20 minute wait.
wife was trying to text her sister, but I had forgot to give her back her glasses
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That is absolutely hilarious.
But it's not all her fault. Texting piggybacks on the last one sent so it's easy to send on to the wrong person.
I got a text from my wife one day that said "Have a nice trip"
I didn't know I was going anywhere.......
But it's not all her fault. Texting piggybacks on the last one sent so it's easy to send on to the wrong person.
I got a text from my wife one day that said "Have a nice trip"
I didn't know I was going anywhere.......
Daren Todd
Well-known member
Lifetime Member
Equipment
Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
I have two phones. One for work, one is my personal phone. Each phone is on a different network.98 percent of the use on my personal phone is texting my wife. I was working in North Dakota and my work phone didnt have service so i was using my personal phone for everything.That is absolutely hilarious.
But it's not all her fault. Texting piggybacks on the last one sent so it's easy to send on to the wrong person.
I got a text from my wife one day that said "Have a nice trip"
I didn't know I was going anywhere.......
I texted my wife when I got to the airport to head home. Text said " Hey baby girl, just got to the airport. Flight leaves in an hour and then i'll be headed home. I love u sexy".
Got a reply a couple minutes later. Saying "I'm not your "Baby Girl"!!!! And DON'T call me sexy!!!!
I accidently sent the text to my boss
4 weeks later i'm back in ND working and texting my wife when i arrive at the airport to head home again.
Same message as before sent to my wife. The reply this time was "Love u too Pookie!!!"
till i looked at the sender. I had accidently texted a coworker who had a really good sense of humor. An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Mary became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel you know how to fish!"
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Mary became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel you know how to fish!"
