Daily Chuckle

[Magicman]

The Meaning of Service

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word service:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. Suddenly, it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are all about.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

 

[Magicman]

if you can start the day without caffeine,

if you can get going without pep pills,

if you can always be cheerful ignoring aches and pains,

if you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

if you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

if you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

if you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

if you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor one,

if you can conquer tension without medical help,

if you can relax without liquor,

if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably the dog!!

 

[Magicman]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?


John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
"Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

 

[Magicman]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.


After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook it's head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$2,150!" she cried, "$2,150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $2,150

 

[Old_Paint]

Nice little town, everyone just passing through

View attachment 64180

Strangely enough, I know EXACTLY where that intersection is.

 

[Lil Foot]

 

[Magicman]

A young man walked into the pharmacy and bought a large box of condoms. There were no other customers around and he started talking to the pharmacist who commented on the condoms. The young man said yes, he'd been dating this girl a few weeks and he felt they were ready to move on to the next step so he laid out his plan for a romantic dinner with wine and soft music then back to his apartment until the time was right. He went to pick up his girlfriend that night and she insisted he meet the family so he came in and met the mom and dad. The mom asked where they were going and the young man said "There is a big revival down the road and we are going there to hear the new evangelist who is so popular in the area." He insisted they pack up and go with him and they did. While they were seated waiting the the preacher to start the girlfriend whispered in his ear "You never said you were so religious" and he replied "Yeah and you never said your dad was the pharmacist."

 

[i7win7]

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket. He is approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I was not fishing and I did not catch these browns, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I'm ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the trout back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket."

The fisherman turns to the officer and says, "What fish?"

 

[i7win7]

This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.

An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”. The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.

“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.

 

[i7win7]

 

[ranger danger]

Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now you look!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?"

Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"

The Airbus pilot laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry.

The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.

 

[bearbait]

Lol, something so innocent can get a guy in trouble right Andrew???

 

[Fordtech86]

This was written by a diesel tech several years ago.


A diesel runaway is when the engine rpm goes up uncontrolled and there is no way the engine can stop itself. Diesel engines don’t actually require any controls on then to run. All they need is fuel and air. Gas engines need a spark at just
the right time, and a fuel pulse of just the right duration to run. Also, diesels can run on a wide range of fuel. Remember when all of us diesel guys were complaining about leaking injectors on 03’s that were filling the crankcase with
fuel? Well, 30+ quarts of a fuel/oil mix in the crankcase will submerge the crank. One of the last steps on the diesel diag sheet is an oil aeration test where you have to run the engine at wot (3500 or so rpm) for 3 minutes and
then view the oil condition. That crank whipping up the fuel/oil will make a foam that rises through the engine, and eventually starts getting drafted into the intake stream. If there is enough coming into the intake, the engine rpm will start to rise even higher. Of course, this causes the oil to whip more, which makes it rise faster in the engine - a vicious cycle. You cut the key off, but the
engine doesn’t care - it’s getting it’s own fuel from another source. Smoke starts to pour from the tailpipe, and the truck starts to vibrate. At about 6000 rpm the ground starts to shake throughout the shop and the sales department looks outside to see if a thunderstorm is coming. 7500 rpm has the shop evacuating - by this time, the whole shop is flooded with smoke. 9000 rpm brings ominous noises from the shop - a cyclic wave of sound that feels like an invisible hand pressing on your chest. Somewhere about 10,000 rpm and the
engine gives up. A sound that is a combination of a nearby lightning strike and every toolbox in the shop turning over at once explodes from the shop. The sound echoes and continues for several seconds. You can actually feel a
shockwave disperse through the concrete you’re standing on. And then, the deafening silence. You try to see through the smoke and locate the truck - but something is wrong. It is sitting at an angle, tilted down in the front. And then you see why - both front tires are blown out. There is a scattering of parts 3 bays in each direction. A puddle of fluid is rapidly spreading from under the
shredded front cap. The hood and fenders are destroyed, but ironically, the grille and headlights are still intact. And your first thought is - at least I don’t have to work on this one anymore! And that, my friend Bernie, is a diesel runaway.

 

[D2Cat]

Here's a picture of it happening!

 

[i7win7]

My boss calls me "the computer"...
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]