A serious question

[baronetm]

Skeets, I will start long before the funeral services. My parents stopped by my home one afternoon with a request I be the executor of there estate and power of attorney to make any and all decision if the surviving parent was unwilling or unable, there were reams of paperwork to sign, all their wishes planned out and paid for to the end. The problem, I was told not asked, to not tell any of my 5 siblings of their wishes, there wishes were not up for discussion or debate.

Well a couple years’ later Mom got sick and the doctor came out to the waiting room where the whole family was gathered and made a statement and asked one question, it is very likely she will have a potentially fatal heart attack due to her illness, what are your wishes?

My Father being the person of responsibility sat there very quiet and did not respond to the doctor, I then spoke to my father and said Dad this is untimely your decision, all he said was “I cannot make that decision”. I then stood up and told the doctor if she has a heart attack as you have described do nothing heroic and let her go, just keep her comfortable.

My youngest sister sitting next to me screamed into my now nearly deaf left ear that I could not do that, the doctor immediately left, I then had to explain the details, as Dad sat there numb.

So the moral of the story in my family is tell everyone your wishes, let them know it is not up for discussion.

Mom survived for 10 more years, my sister brought this up twice more before Dad or Mom passed, after the 2nd time my Dad sat her down and explained it all out and told her, as hard a decision as it was I had done exactly as I had been asked to do, she was not happy but finally accepted it.

When Dad fell ill and passed everyone knew, who, how and why the decisions were being made and in full compliance with his wishes. The same when Mom past 5 years later everyone was comfortable with the decisions being made as I also included them in all facets of their care.

Mom and Dad did say as long as there wishes were followed we could do anything else we wanted, so at a later date we invited all the family and friends and had a great big party on their dime to celebrate there 58 years, a great memory.

Whatever decisions you and your bride make,I wish you peace…

 

[NoJacketRequired]

First of all, my deepest sympathies to you, Skeets. Have been facing similar circumstances... To say it's difficult would be an understatement.

With respect to final wishes, in 2017 I lost both my step-mother and mother, less than a month apart. Step-mother had written down nothing, but her husband, my father, knew in detail what her wishes were. I helped him execute those wishes, and in doing so I know that it was made far, far easier on him because he knew exactly what she wanted.

In my mother's case, she wrote everything down. We knew exactly what she wanted, right down to the caterers she wanted and the hymns to be sung at her memorial. During her memorial service there were several good laughs had by all in attendance when it was made known that this was exactly as she had directed. As a registered nurse, everything had to be "just so", and her memorial service was no different. Those who knew her felt her presence through the exactitude in which the memorial was carried out. It was a comfort to us all.

I wish you all the best, Skeets.

 

[jajiu]

jajui in case no one has told you welcome home brother

Thanks skeets!

 

[zload]

My in-laws appointed me to be their PoA and Personal Rep and had completed their will, Healthcare PoA and everything written down for final arrangements. Their plan was a basic cremation, no service of any kind which went against my personal opinion and experiences but other than arranging for the immediate family to view my father in laws body at the funeral home I honored his wishes since his wife was in advanced dementia status and unaware of anything.

They all appreciated being able to see him one last time away from the immediacy of his deathbed even though it was a very informal viewing of his body on a transport cot. I even had to reassure his youngest daughter that if she wanted to take photos of her dad that it was OK. Interestingly enough the funeral director never asked the family or me what his wishes were or if there was any written instructions etc. he just did what I told him to do since he knew I was writing the check.

Several of the family had to deal with well intended but repeated questions re: arrangements/viewing/service from all of the caregivers at the nursing home since he was there daily with his wife and they had adopted him over the 4 years she had been there as well as long term neighbors etc. Mainly about when and where the viewing/service would be. It was very upsetting to them to have to explain there would be no viewing or service since that is not the cultural norm here.

I really think their grief and closure was delayed significantly by not having a simple memorial service or viewing where they could interact with the people who thought so much of their dad. I also think it was selfish of him to not allow them that privilege but that was how he lived his life and I did what he asked.

Honoring the wishes of your wife is certainly the correct thing to do but I don't believe that having a simple memorial/gathering some time shortly after death would necessarily go against the wishes of "not having a formal funeral". If the opportunity to ask her is still available maybe you can take advantage of that and clarify for your own peace.

 

[GeoHorn]

I do believe it's best to tell the family how you want your passing to be handled and to do it in writing as well.
I also believe that funerals/memorials/etc. are not for the dead...but for the living. It is the Living Survivors with whom you will share the rest of your own existence and they with you. Those relationships should be treasured and honored and if they require comfort in a funeral or memorial service in order to have peaceful "closure"... then the spoken and written wishes of the deceased will go far to assure that peaceful closure... (And I personally believe it's permissible to offer them the opportunity to pay for that service if the deceased's reasons for avoiding the expense was stated.)
But it's still important to allow the survivors the courtesy of the service they feel they need. Your family and friends continuing relationships are too important to cause injury over a service they need but the departed has no need of.

 

[jtboney1]

Wife and I have had this discussion too.

My main concern is that my family spend as little money as legally possible disposing of my remains. The funeral industry, IMHO, is a rip-off from start to finish.

But, the bottom line is this: I'm going to be dead and incapable of knowing or caring what happens. My family should do what gives them the most comfort, and I said as much in my written "final instructions".

I hope it involves a match and a windy day, but as I said, whatever works for them.

My wife has the same outlook and if I'm still around at the time, her wishes will be followed and if the kids disagree, they'll just have to accept it.

What Paul said.

 

[Daren Todd]

My father in law wants to be planted He found a company that you send your loved ones ashes too. They mix your ashes with potting soil, fertilizer, and tree you want. Then send the whole lot back to you to be planted

I asked him to specify what tree, and would take care of the mixing for him No sense sending him out to be handled by strangers

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk

 

[GeoHorn]

I don't have any emotional attachment for how my remains are disposed of.... but I do believe it's important to recognize the importance of how we are laid to rest to those who love us.
Our enemies would enjoy knowing we were tossed out with the trash.
But our loved ones need and deserve a moment of peace and some of them need a time and place to reminisce and honor our past relationships with them...which become our future relationship with them. A grave is not for the dead...but for the living to honor and cherish their memories of those who have passed...and that is why the funeral should be respectful and should meet the needs of those we leave behind.

And hopefully, our relationships with those are something which we address in the here-and-now... so that we leave them with loving remembrances so they'll do the same for those who love them.

I don't want large sums spent on my remains. I only hope that I will leave them with a real reason to miss me, and that a minimum of expense will be handed out to meet their needs. I've taken care of my funeral expenses already so they'll not have that burden at an emotional time.
My Mother in Law did a wonderful thing before she died. She went through all her belongings and left notes attached to each one signifying who she wanted to have each item and why. It was true love.

 

[D2Cat]

"My Mother in Law did a wonderful thing before she died. She went through all her belongings and left notes attached to each one signifying who she wanted to have each item and why. It was true love."

As a note to others, it's best to have the list of items gifted to specific persons in writing, and in the hands of the executor and an attorney. That eliminates disagreements and hearsay.

 

[skeets]

I am sorry to hear you could not say farewell to him, I couldnt say goodbye to my Mom, I was in the hospital in ICU, and it still hurts that I couldnt say goodbye

 

[skeets]

I do and it does help, and I know she is around, sometimes
Now with the Old Man I know when he is around cause in the back of my head I hear him say GOD DAYUM it boy you know better than that, when I do something stupid LOL