A serious question

[skeets]

I am facing the inevitable, when, only God knows for sure. And it may sound a bit morbid, however, long ago we spoke about how she wanted to be put to rest, long before she ever got sick.
Do I follow her equest and no funeral just light a match and let it go, or, I know her girls want a drawn out affair.
Do you guys think that being her spouse I should have the last word?
This has been praying on my mind for quite a while now, and I am in a state of flux about this.
We must all face it sooner or later I know, but damn!!!!

 

[dirtydeed]

I think you have to do what she wishes, not what anyone else wants.

Took me a while to convince my wife of what I wanted since it is contradictory to what she believes is right. She's promised to carry out my wishes. That's what spouses do.

Tough decision.

 

[NWAZL3560]

I've had the same thoughts and discussions recently, and it's good to have them. I've come to the conclusion that the service or not having one is really for the survivors. A small intimate service would be good if the group is small and close. If there are a lot of people that would want to pay their respects then a formal larger service is probably appropriate. I've told mine what I think but also told them it's up to them to decide what's best when the time comes. You and the daughters could probably come up with a solution that works for everyone when the time comes.

 

[Digger Dager]

Skeets,

Working at a cemetery for the last 26 years, I have learned a few things, nothing is as simple as it should be when working with your own family when someone passes. I would strongly suggest that you and the Mrs. should sit down with your family members and explain what your wishes are, stating that this is what you both want, even though her girls may disagree with her.

Every state has laws regarding the final wishes of the spouse, and who is to control things at the time of need. You should check with your funeral director of choice. They will be able to explain things to you about the PA state laws.

On the other hand, I have had families tell me that they were having trouble dealing with the death of their loved one because it was a quick and simple service, with no viewing. The remaining family felt they did not have "closure" without having a traditional service with a viewing, funeral and graveside service.

There are several reason not to have a viewing, one is after a very long battle with bad health, many people don't want to be looked at in the casket, or put their families to the expense of a full blown funeral. They would rather have that money put to better use, or donated to their favorite charity or cause.

Best wishes and good luck,
Digger

 

[sagor]

My answer is go with their wishes. Then, after that has settled, you can have your own "memorial" gathering at your own discretion, perhaps a few weeks or a month or two later. While you should respect her wishes, others that are still here on this planet may need closure themselves. Hence my suggestion to have some get together afterwards to share memories with those that still need some closure...

 

[D2Cat]

Since you've had a conversation and she expressed her wishes, that is what should be done, her wishes followed to a "T". Otherwise why have the conversation?

It's exactly like if you have a trust. That is a document that spells out precisely how you want all your material possessions managed after your death. The executor has the responsibility to carry out that document without deviation, that's why it is written when one has a sound mind.

If some family members feel otherwise, so be it. They can have any kind of ceremony they choose, when they choose, but not tied directly to the burial ceremony if it is not the wishes of the deceased.

 

[William1]

I always felt the persons 'last wishes' should be respected.
If someone wants to have a wake or some other method of saying good bye, then they can do that provided it does not interfere with the last wishes.

I want to be stuffed in a canvas bag under a garden. No funeral, nothing. If people choose to do some sort of 'remembrance', thean they can have at it. Just do not expect me to attend.

 

[RCW]

Skeets -

You have to stick to her wishes, period.

I guess I come from the perspective I would hope/want my wishes followed......

If the kids want to do something separately, that's fine.

Hang in there, my friend.

Sent from my QTASUN1 using Tapatalk

 

[ehenry]

I've learned from being an executor for a friends estate. When both my parents passed away one of my sisters was the executor.

Sitting down and talking with your children and other family members is all fine and good. If you want your wishes followed PUT THEM ON PAPER down to the last detail with an attorney and file it with the chancery clerk where you live then name an executor/executrix that you can trust to carry them out. Otherwise you will be at the mercy of what someone interprets your wishes to be and what they may do is no where remotely close to what you wanted.

If its not on paper and official.....it is hearsay or it was never said as far as a court is concerned.

 

[ipz2222]

10-4 to what henry said.

 

[skeets]

Thank you guys for you input all of which is valuable to me

 

[bearbait]

I can only imagine what you're going through my friend. Like others have said I believe you have to respect her wishes but also having it on paper can save you a lot of stress down the road. It would be best to sit down with her girls and come to an understanding however if you can't I would follow her wishes.

 

[PHPaul]

Wife and I have had this discussion too.

My main concern is that my family spend as little money as legally possible disposing of my remains. The funeral industry, IMHO, is a rip-off from start to finish.

But, the bottom line is this: I'm going to be dead and incapable of knowing or caring what happens. My family should do what gives them the most comfort, and I said as much in my written "final instructions".

I hope it involves a match and a windy day, but as I said, whatever works for them.

My wife has the same outlook and if I'm still around at the time, her wishes will be followed and if the kids disagree, they'll just have to accept it.

 

[ehenry]

PHPaul, Your 'match and a windy day' intruction truly hits a funny and special note with me.

My friend, Jim, that I was executor for was cremated per his final wish and a small service was held at the old country church that he attended. His other instruction was to put his ashes in the ground beside his parents graves in the church cemetery.

After the service in the church we all proceeded to the grave yard. Jim's daughter carried the ornate box with his cremains to the gravesite. Well, this is where Jim gets the final "laugh" if you want to call it that. Rather than place the box in the ground his daughter decided to pour his ashes in to the grave.......You guessed it.....10 to 15 mph winds picked up about the time the largest portion of his ashes came out of the box !!! Every one except the preacher and his daughter was down wind and we ALL were wearing Jim's gray ashes from the knees down ! ! The rest of the ash cloud floated out through the woods and cotton fields next to the graveyard.

I couldn't help myself.......I busted out laughing and crying all at the same time.

PHPaul, thanks reminding me of that. Have a good one.

Skeets, I'm thinking about you and your family.

 

[67Truckin]

I too have been a grave digger and in the funeral industry for many decades. Put everything in writing, discuss it with a funeral director and maybe even prepay the exact type of service she wants ahead of time. We did that with my in-laws and they chose exactly what they wanted in every detail. No decisions to be may when the time comes and exactly what their wishes were. Makes it easier on everyone involved. God Bless.

 

[SidecarFlip]

I am facing the inevitable, when, only God knows for sure. And it may sound a bit morbid, however, long ago we spoke about how she wanted to be put to rest, long before she ever got sick.
Do I follow her equest and no funeral just light a match and let it go, or, I know her girls want a drawn out affair.
Do you guys think that being her spouse I should have the last word?
This has been praying on my mind for quite a while now, and I am in a state of flux about this.
We must all face it sooner or later I know, but damn!!!!

My wife and I both have our final wishes spelled out in writing attached to our wills. Me, I want to be buried with my Kubota's....

 

[mpham]

My wife and I have already been to the funeral home. Everything is picked out and paid for. The funeral home and us know what each other wants. That is what we will do.

 

[jajiu]

My wife and I have already been to the funeral home. Everything is picked out and paid for. The funeral home and us know what each other wants. That is what we will do.

My wife and I have a friend who is a Funeral Director and I am a Viet Nam Veteran and we both agreed to be cremated and buried at the National Cemetery at Bourne, MA. All pre-paid and all arrangements in writing and filed. Now no one has to pay or worry about what to do for us.

 

[skeets]

jajui in case no one has told you welcome home brother

 

[Charlie5320]

Skeets, I lost my beautiful wife to cancer 1 1/2 years ago, and I did exactly what she wanted. Some of her siblings had a different outlook, but I told them this is what SHE wanted. She knew she was dieing , but could never make herself go to the funeral home to make arrangements. Do exactly what she wants, no mater what her kids say.