Daily Chuckle

[Magicman]

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes? "
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, Yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

That's one way to make a wide right turn

 

[i7win7]

How to theft proof a ladder

 

[Magicman]

Your Yearly Dementia Test. It's that time of year for us to take our annual test:

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin..



1. What do you put in a toaster?




Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?








Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.






3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?





Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.







4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ). Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany ... Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany ,
Or no man's land'?








Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.





5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales .. In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ..

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?








Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!

So I either passed of failed because as I posted earlier, everything is either a Duck or not a Duck. OK, on to better things

 

[Magicman]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared
offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist
was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her
his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud
voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

 

[i7win7]

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

 

[i7win7]

After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.

One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time.

The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

 

[i7win7]

 

[PHPaul]

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

Take two on that topic:

Feller comes home and asks the wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

"Take half of it and leave you!" she snarls.

"Great," he sez, "I hit it for $12. Here's your $6, get the he!! out!"

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[i7win7]

"Push harder!" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"I hate you, I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone!" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

 

[Toyboy]

 

[i7win7]

married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]

 

[i7win7]