Daily Chuckle

[Magicman]

A married couple was in a terrible accident and the woman’s face severely burned. The doctor said the best skin graft would be from the husband’s buttocks. After surgery, the woman looked more beautiful than ever! Her friends were amazed. One day the woman was overcome with emotion. ‟Dear, I just want to thank you,” she told her hubby. “There is no way I could ever repay you.” He replied, ‟My darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

 

[bearbait]

Sometimes we overlook the easy way

 

[dirtydeed]

Sometimes we overlook the easy way

I'll have to remember that...since I have the same revolver (looks like a Ruger GP-100)...so, it should "drill" the same size hole???

 

[skeets]

Awww shit now I have to clean coffee off the screen Thanks BB I needed that

 

[Fordtech86]

Sometimes we overlook the easy way

He still has to seal the hole

and if you lock your keys in the truck

 

[Magicman]

Those are very practical solutions to age old problems. Thanks, I think.

 

[cliffboyer]

Gotta be related to Red Green...a cousin maybe.

Me personally...would use clear caulk....white would obstruct your vision. Also, a wad-cutter produces a cleaner hole without jagged edges.

 

[skeets]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce

 

[Kurtee]

I read an article years ago about a guy who moved into trailer park. He needed a phone line installed. He contacted the park manager who agreed to come over and make a hole. The manager arrived with a 357 and made the hole where the owner wanted it. As the manager left he said "I have a 44 for gas lines"

 

[Magicman]

True story; My co-worker Royce was installing phone service in a customer's (Isadore) residence. Royce was leaving the house to get his brace and a bit when Isadore asked "where he was going?" The reply was that he needed to bore a hole to place the wire through. Isadore promptly pulled out his .38 and after the shot asked "is that ok?". I asked Royce what he did, and the answer was "I put the wire through the hole".

 

[Magicman]

Grouchy

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question,
"How did I get here?"
Her mother told her,
"God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this Family for over 100 years?
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here!

 

[bearbait]

No code has to be inserted here.

 

[bearbait]

Negative people

No code has to be inserted here.

 

[Fordtech86]

 

[Magicman]

What to get the wife for Christmas
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

 

[Orangeglow]

Medical experts in Dublin today were asked if it is time to ease the COVID lockdown.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthetists thought the whole idea was gas, and Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a-hos in politics.

 

[Orangeglow]

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine man shines his shoes to perfection.

One morning the shoeshine man asks the Executive Director: “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”

The Director asks in turn arrogantly: “Why are you so interested in that - that topic?

"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
“What is your name?” –Asks the Director.
“ - John Smith”

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department: ”Do we have a client named John Smith?” “Certainly” –answers the Customer Service Manager–“he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.”

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine man, and says: “Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.”

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members: “We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine. But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.”

Mr. Smith began his story: “I came to this country with my sister fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a quarter on the sidewalk.

I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I managed to sell the apple for a dollar and bought more apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. I saved and saved almost all the money. I didn't spend a cent on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I started accumulating dollars and eventually, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.

I continued to save penny by penny and after a while, I was able to buy a set of new shoe brushes and polish in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and still saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while I was cleaning and polishing their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.

A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine man on the corner decided to retire, I had managed to save enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a hooker in New York City, passed away, and left me a million dollars.

 

[bearbait]

Got a craving for a piece of white cake with mocha icing now.

 

[Daren Todd]

 

[Daren Todd]