Daily Chuckle

[Lil Foot]

At the risk of pushing boundries:

I was at my bank
today; there was a short line.
There was just one
lady in front of me, an Asian lady
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was
very irritated ..
She asked the teller, "Why
it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get
hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged
his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc
you white people too!"

 

[Ramos]

Pushing it? Possibly.

Funny? Absolutely!

FWIW, the generation before my wife is full-blood Japanese. Not only would they laugh at that joke, they'd be looking for someone to tell it to.

 

[MilkyWay]

"....Fluc you white people too!"

WOW! I luv it.

 

[Daren Todd]

Here's a classic worth revisiting

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

 

[DThrash]

Stopped by a buddy's house this afternoon. He and another fellow had just installed a gun safe in a closet. They bolted it to the floor and walls. All the paper work was laying on the top shelf, he laid both set of keys up there and shut the door. It has a key pad on it and of course the paper work has the combo. He had that look on his face.

 

[Daren Todd]

Took the grand kids to Dauphin Island Alabama yesterday for some time at a beach. We walked the 1/4 mile to the beach from the public access.

We were really enjoying the warm water and having a pretty good time.

That is till my wife and grandson started complaining about itchy sand on them in the water

They got out, and the itchiness went away. Well, after a bit, we went back in. After a couple minutes, we all got hit by the itchy sand At this point we all bail back out of the water.

This time the stuff got us in our britches as well

Was able to dig one of the pieces out of my britches to see what it was, still confused. Looked clear with a little black spec in the middle.

On a hunch, we Googled baby jelly fish. And sure enough, that's what it was. Baby jelly fish in our shorts

At this point we said screw the beach, we need a shower. Showers were almost back to the truck 1/4 mile away.

People were probably getting an interesting view of us at the beach showers washing baby jelly fish out of our shorts

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[Redlands]

Seen similar near Lake Charles Louisiana. Quite the interesting experience. Do not envy you all one little bit. Did bring a smile to my face though

 

[bearbait]

That's one of those things that's only funny when it happens to someone else. Thanks for the laugh DT.

 

[Daren Todd]

That's one of those things that's only funny when it happens to someone else. Thanks for the laugh DT.

Your welcome We laughed about it...... After it was all said and done. Heck, my wife was laughing at the kids and I when we were washing out our shorts on the board walk

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[D2Cat]

Use to get attached by jelly fish while swimming in the South China Sea. We'd take a hand full of sand and rub our arms or back or wherever we got stung like sandpaper. Got rid of the sting quickly!

 

[MilkyWay]

....On a hunch, we Googled baby jelly fish. And sure enough, that's what it was. Baby jelly fish in our shorts ....

If you ever fold a jelly fish into your arm pit you will remember it always like it was yesterday!

 

[Daren Todd]

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[sawmill]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it."

 

[Bulldog777]

Took the grand kids to Dauphin Island Alabama yesterday for some time at a beach. We walked the 1/4 mile to the beach from the public access.

We were really enjoying the warm water and having a pretty good time.

That is till my wife and grandson started complaining about itchy sand on them in the water

They got out, and the itchiness went away. Well, after a bit, we went back in. After a couple minutes, we all got hit by the itchy sand At this point we all bail back out of the water.

This time the stuff got us in our britches as well

Was able to dig one of the pieces out of my britches to see what it was, still confused. Looked clear with a little black spec in the middle.

On a hunch, we Googled baby jelly fish. And sure enough, that's what it was. Baby jelly fish in our shorts

At this point we said screw the beach, we need a shower. Showers were almost back to the truck 1/4 mile away.

People were probably getting an interesting view of us at the beach showers washing baby jelly fish out of our shorts

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Us inland folks don't call them jelly fish, we call em seed ticks!! [emoji16]

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[skeets]

A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of
you love your husband?" All the women raised their hand.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband "I love you, sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and
read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.


Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married
for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true
love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

 

[BAP]

A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of
you love your husband?" All the women raised their hand.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband "I love you, sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and
read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.


Below are 12 actual replies from their husbands. If you have been married
for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true
love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean.
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Good to see that they didn't cut out your sense of humor Skeets

 

[Orangeglow]

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make.
I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to
get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you
in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you
knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve
been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more
than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that
that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live
with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive
me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards,
Richard

Neighbour’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot
Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff
drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and
discovered a second text message from Richard.


Second text message:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct
had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death
of us all.

Regards,

Richard

 

[Daren Todd]

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[Orangeglow]

IMMUTABLE LAWS

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated
to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better.
But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
__________________

 

[Daren Todd]

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