During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
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cliffboyer
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Lil Foot
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True story. Happened in Columbus Ohio this week.
Bank robber demands money from the teller.
She hands him a stack of money.
He wants more, and he wants it from the machine in the lobby.
Teller tells him the machine requires a drivers license to remove the cash.
He hands her his drivers license.
Really!!!!
At least he got a hot meal and warm bed that evening.
Bank robber demands money from the teller.
She hands him a stack of money.
He wants more, and he wants it from the machine in the lobby.
Teller tells him the machine requires a drivers license to remove the cash.
He hands her his drivers license.
Really!!!!
At least he got a hot meal and warm bed that evening.
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son again.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching Stormy Daniels movies."
Dad says," What? At your age I didn't even know what dirty movies were."
The robot slaps the father!
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son again.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching Stormy Daniels movies."
Dad says," What? At your age I didn't even know what dirty movies were."
The robot slaps the father!
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young
man.
The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you
do to provide a nice house in which my daughter will live?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide
for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned,
the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"
The father answered, "another Democrat, He has no job, he has no plans, and
he thinks I'm God.
After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young
man.
The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you
do to provide a nice house in which my daughter will live?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide
for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.
The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned,
the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"
The father answered, "another Democrat, He has no job, he has no plans, and
he thinks I'm God.
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!" Confused, he replies, "Yes Dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
I Told her " I'm not rich. I have no money, home, fancy car or companies like my friend John, but I love you and adore you"
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there was no tomorrow and whispered in my ear........ "If you truly love me, please introduce me to John"***65279;. ***65279;
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and hugged me like there was no tomorrow and whispered in my ear........ "If you truly love me, please introduce me to John"***65279;. ***65279;
Daren Todd
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Why is Cinderella so bad at sports?
First of all, her coach is a real pumpkin, and she runs away from the ball, and she can’t keep up with her shoes!
First of all, her coach is a real pumpkin, and she runs away from the ball, and she can’t keep up with her shoes!
After an afternoon of skydiving, two very outgoing blondes are chatting about how they are just as knowledgeable as any guy and that they can do anything a guy can do. They decide they want to go hunting and set a weekend to meet. After getting all their new gear loaded up, driving well out of town and hiking back into the woods a bit, they come across a set of tracks. Blonde #1 says “them there’s bear tracks” to which blonde #2 says adamantly “ are not bear tracks, I’ve seen bear tracks. Them’s deer tracks”. Are not; are too; are not and while they are arguing back and forth about what kind of tracks they are the train runs over and kills both of them!
Jim@MilkyWay
Jim@MilkyWay
Daren Todd
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The Devil is in the details!!!!
Here's something that happened to my son a couple weeks ago. He found a really sweet deal on this canoe on Craig's list. So he contacted the seller and worked out a deal to buy it.
So they agree to meet at the dollar store in Clarksville to do the deal.
They both arrive around the same time. Seller texted my son he was there. Son pulls in and there isn't a canoe on a vehicle anywhere in the parking lot. So he calls the guy. Guy says he's in the middle of the parking lot, can't miss him. He's the black SUV with the canoe on the roof. Guy then mentions he doesn't see the silver Sierra 1500 that my son is driving.
Son figures he's at the wrong dollar store, so he goes across town to the other one. Still no canoe. So he calls the guy back. They get into an argument, calling each other names, both accusing the other of screwing with them. This goes on for some time.
The details: The seller and canoe were at the Dollar General in Clarksville TX. My son God bless him, was 225 miles away at the Dollar General in Clarksville AR.
Here's something that happened to my son a couple weeks ago. He found a really sweet deal on this canoe on Craig's list. So he contacted the seller and worked out a deal to buy it.
So they agree to meet at the dollar store in Clarksville to do the deal.
They both arrive around the same time. Seller texted my son he was there. Son pulls in and there isn't a canoe on a vehicle anywhere in the parking lot. So he calls the guy. Guy says he's in the middle of the parking lot, can't miss him. He's the black SUV with the canoe on the roof. Guy then mentions he doesn't see the silver Sierra 1500 that my son is driving.
Son figures he's at the wrong dollar store, so he goes across town to the other one. Still no canoe. So he calls the guy back. They get into an argument, calling each other names, both accusing the other of screwing with them. This goes on for some time.
The details: The seller and canoe were at the Dollar General in Clarksville TX. My son God bless him, was 225 miles away at the Dollar General in Clarksville AR.
Lol, now that would have to be one sweet deal.The Devil is in the details!!!!
Here's something that happened to my son a couple weeks ago. He found a really sweet deal on this canoe on Craig's list. So he contacted the seller and worked out a deal to buy it.
So they agree to meet at the dollar store in Clarksville to do the deal.
They both arrive around the same time. Seller texted my son he was there. Son pulls in and there isn't a canoe on a vehicle anywhere in the parking lot. So he calls the guy. Guy says he's in the middle of the parking lot, can't miss him. He's the black SUV with the canoe on the roof. Guy then mentions he doesn't see the silver Sierra 1500 that my son is driving.
Son figures he's at the wrong dollar store, so he goes across town to the other one. Still no canoe. So he calls the guy back. They get into an argument, calling each other names, both accusing the other of screwing with them. This goes on for some time.
The details: The seller and canoe were at the Dollar General in Clarksville TX. My son God bless him, was 225 miles away at the Dollar General in Clarksville AR.
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed
at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under
it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk
to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to
see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.
***65279;
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that
money, so I went and bought me a nice used pick-up truck.
Moral of the story, it,s always good to get a second opinion.
at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under
it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk
to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to
see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.
***65279;
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that
money, so I went and bought me a nice used pick-up truck.
Moral of the story, it,s always good to get a second opinion.
You missed out the important part,
The cure that the bartender gave was the suggestion to cut off the legs of the bed!
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Daren Todd
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Lifetime Member
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Massey Ferguson 1825E, Kubota Z121S, Box blade, Rotary Cutter
