Daily Chuckle

[D2Cat]

Skeets, I just come in and decided to set down and get an update on OTT. So I get some corn chips, dip and something to drink, and first place I click is "Daily Chuckle".

I'm at a loss for words. I can't discern if it is a factual report, or hallucinations caused by cold weather.

Then I think, man that has to be bad. But then I think this is Skeets, he's the guy that keeps everyone from doing unsafe things. He doesn't like ROPS modified in any way. He surely has a lock out for his safety when working around such a powerful fence charger!

I don't know what to think. Do you write in your sleep? Only thing that would make it better is if you poured a bucket of water on the ground rod previous to mowing.

 

[William1]

When I was a little boy, eight or so on my dads cattle farm, I had to pee. So I walked to the side of the pen, behind a bush. I learned about electric fences and that pee can carry electricity.

I still get shocked once every few years from a variety of causes. Last time, I was at a neighbors pen, opened the gate and stepped back to let it swing open. Why the charger was 'right there' made no sense. I was back a few weeks later and surprisingly, he had moved it....

 

[North Idaho Wolfman]

Nobody that aint never grabed a holt of one of them dayum things, can under stand what hes talkin about

OH yea, try peeing on one...
Been there done that!

 

[bucktail]

An oldie but a goodie:

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer— no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slowly and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set beforehand ... kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head — almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse — strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are lying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

 

[D2Cat]

Isn't there a TV show called America's Got Talent? You guys are missing out on some big time recognition!!

 

[Daren Todd]

OH yea, try peeing on one...
Been there done that!

Always thought I was too smart to fall for that. Well, tried a new hunting spot. And found an electric fence in the dark, when I decided to go before walking into the woods I honestly thought I got snake bit I jumped back, busted my butt and screamed at the same time.

Father in law happened to be with me. He saw it, and once he found out why I yelled, he was rolling on the ground, tears in his eyes, laughing his butt off. Then had to make sure everyone else knew what happened

 

[Lil Foot]

I worked for a guy who rented a houseboat on Lake Powell for his second honeymoon. They went way up lake away from everyone & found a secluded cove. After a couple days seeing no one, they shed their clothes for the remainder of their stay.
The wife walked out on deck to tell her husband that lunch was ready, just in time to see her husband rocket vertically out of the water, just like a submarine-launched Polaris missile. He was screaming, and she swears he ran across the top of the water & jumped on deck. Turns out he was standing in waist deep water, (naked) when some fish decided to "bite the worm". He was bleeding & scared to death. He recovered, and hates the story, but his wife tells the story so well, that everyone who hears it laughs so hard they cry.

 

[skeets]

Now thats funny I dont care who you are

 

[bcp]

Another old and good one.


I never dreamed slowly cruising on motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect....

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an on coming car a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel and it must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals and I really hate it on a motorcycle but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers never fear. Squirrels I discovered can take care of themselves.

Inches before impact the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Victory Cross Country Tour with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.

His mouth opened and at the last possible second he screamed and leaped!

I was pretty sure the scream was Squirrel for "Banzai!" or maybe "Die you gravy sucking heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge Sunset Red touring bike, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 MPH down a quiet residential street and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristine kept yards and gone on about his business and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Twisted Evil.

Some how he caught my gloved finger with one of his little paws and with the force of my throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved, not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handle bars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Victory Cross Country Tour can only have one result.

Torque.

That is what the Victory Cross Country Tour is made for, and she is very, very good at it.

The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger.

The Victory Cross Country Tour screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a man on the huge Sunset Red touring bike, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 MPH and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebodies tree, house or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power the the big touring bike.

About this time the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the face shield closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel however. The RPM's on the Freedom 106 maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge Sunset Red touring bike, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 MPH, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little horse.

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort of.

Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge Sunset Red touring bike, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 MPH on one wheel and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live mutant squirrel into your police car.

I heard screams.

This time they weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back), I really would have. Really ... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back doing a crab walk into some body's front yard quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street aiming a riot gun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

 

[Daren Todd]

Bucktail, I remember reading the deer roping sags the first time in the back of a magazine in a dentist office. I remember people wondering if I lost my mind till I passed the article on to another gentlemen waiting in the office It was still circulating the waiting room after my teeth cleaning

Asked my wife if she had ever heard the story, she hadn't so I passed her my tablet. She laughed the whole time she read it

 

[SDMauler]

I too had an encounter with my electric fence this last summer. The goats were getting out of their pasture on a regular basis, so I completely replaced the field fencing with a 6-wire electric fence with a brand new charger, and an 8 foot ground rod. As I was running around tensioning the wires, I caught the toe of my shoe on a stick about a foot long, which raised my foot more than normal, and caused me to pitch forward. As I landed, my bare leg (wearing shorts at the time) wrapped around one of the lower wires that was still pretty loose. Since the charger is pulsed on/off about every second, it was hard to get my leg under enough control to get it unwound from the wire. After several attempts, I did get loose. Suffered cramps in my calf and thigh the rest of the day, not to mention the damage done from falling face-first in a dirty feed lot. I may as well have s@$t myself, for how I smelled. I have since installed one of those remote control AC outlet switches, with a light bulb on the side of the barn to confirm when the fence is on.

 

[volp]

 

[sawmill]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! that's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own Damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[SDMauler]

The priest, the drunkard, and the engineer. Stop me if you've heard this one.....

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer are condemned to death by guillotine. The executioner leads the priest to the guillotine, and prepares to stick his head in the yolk, when the priest asks to be placed with his face up so that he can be looking into God's face when he dies. So, he's put in face up, the rope is pulled, and the blade falls, but stops just before it hits the priest's neck. The executioner takes this as a sign of divine intervention, and decides to free the priest.

The drunkard is led up the steps, and decides that if it worked for the priest, he would try it face up as well. The rope is pulled, the blade drops, and once again stops just before striking the drunkard's neck. The executioner again takes this as a sign of divine intervention, and frees him immediately.

The engineer is led up the stairs, again chooses to go face up. As he is placed in the yolk, he looks up and points, and says " Well, there's your problem right there!"

Have a good weekend.

 

[NEPA Guy]

Just made my first chainsaw.

 

[bmblank]

Can I get a left-handed version of that?

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

 

[skeets]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

 

[coachgeo]

Some real life welding chuckles

http://www.orangetractortalks.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28486

 

[D2Cat]

Was filling the truck up with gas. A deputy sheriff was behind me waiting in line.

At the next pump over a guy was filling up when he lit up a cigarette and the gas exploded catching his arm on fire, he commenced jumping around and waving his burning arm in air.

The deputy jumped out of his car with a fire extinguisher and extinguished the fire. The deputy then cuffed him and arrested him. I then politely asked the deputy why he arrested him.

The Deputy responded, "I arrested him for waving a firearm in the air."

(Some days are just bad, jokes and all!)

 

[SDMauler]

A young man and woman sneak into a cemetery to perform an act of passion. A couple days later, the woman goes to the doctor complaining of a back ache. The doctor examines her, then asks "How old are you?" She says "25, why do you ask?" The doctor replies "It says here on your ass you died in 1894!"

Thank you, I'm here all week.