Daily Chuckle

[Diydave]

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing

 

[skeets]

Lmfao !!!!!!!!!:d

 

[Daren Todd]

A blonde who really needed a job saw an ad in the newspaper for an opening job at an Elmo factory. She applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring.
The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she really needed the money. Finally the manager hired her.
After a few hours, the manager noticed that the conveyer belt was backed up. He went downstairs to find out what was wrong.
He saw that the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager told her, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles -- not two testicles!"

 

[Daren Todd]

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" An old man raises his hand and says, "Wedding cake."

 

[D2Cat]

"Complete" or "Finished"?

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was asked to make that very distinction.

The question by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.."

 

[Daren Todd]

SPEAKING A WOMAN'S LANGUAGE

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
There's no way I'm letting you think this is a date.

OH YES! RIGHT THERE!
Well, near there, I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get drunk and make fun of you and your friends.

 

[Diydave]

Just the punch line, I bit her on the tit, she farted, and flew out the window...

Kinda goes with this song: https://youtu.be/jW4kiWCYq3U

 

[skeets]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”
Some old men can still think fast!!

 

[Diydave]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”
Some old men can still think fast!!

I'da collected the clothes, and sold tickets...

 

[Daren Todd]

FARMER JOE AND HIS MULE

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

 

[85Hokie]

I am MIGHTY fine, thanks for asking officer !

 

[Diydave]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.


He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went
to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."


Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

 

[CaveCreekRay]

 

[skeets]

Ya gota love little Johnny

 

[85Hokie]

Ya gota love little Johnny

I laughed so hard that the screen NEEDS to be cleaned again!

 

[Daren Todd]

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Diydave]

Re the 49 cyl kawasaki, here's the joke:

A man walks in to a pet store and says to the Clerk:
"My girlfriend really loves animals, do you know a good x-mas present?"
The ckerk says:
"Sure, how about this bird? His name is Chet. Chet sings x-mas songs"
The man looks at Chet and says:
"how do I make chet sing?"
The clerk says light a match and put it under his right or left foot"
The man tries it.When he put it under the left foot Chet sang Jingle Bells, under the right he sang White x-mas. So the man buys it and goes home.
On x-mas day the Man's Girlfriend gets her present, chet the bird. The man shows her how chet can sing. Then she asked:
"What happens if you put the match in between chet's legs?"
The man says:
"I dunno let's see"
So they put a match between his legs. Then Chet started singing:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire....."

Timely for the season, too...

 

[Lil Foot]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AuWRMa8cec

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9a9YlyIwHCs

 

[ShaunBlake]

...
{Image of racoon on aligator)

Priceless, DT!

Since you're nowhere near Florida and a long way from Louisiana, I presume you see yourself as a coon.

 

[Daren Todd]

Priceless, DT!

Since you're nowhere near Florida and a long way from Louisiana, I presume you see yourself as a coon.

They occasionally have a gator around here. They had one in lonoke a few years back that was being a nuisance. People were saying it was huge!!!! It was a baby at 4ft Wife said the same thing till I took her to a management area in florida She got to see a 13 footer