Daily Chuckle

[Daren Todd]

A LETTER FROM A REDNECK MOTHER TO HER SON


Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

 

[ShaunBlake]

A LETTER FROM A REDNECK MOTHER TO HER SON
...

DT, yer maw iz a wunnerful mom, ah'm hopin yew brung her sum flours on Mudders Day!

 

[Daren Todd]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when Bubba says "Think I'm gonna divorce my wife- she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "better think it over; Women like that are hard to find."

 

[skeets]

RE-RUN


Italian Fire Department



One dark night in a small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, NJ . This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!




Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief; 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'

 

[Daren Todd]

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

[Daren Todd]

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

 

[Daren Todd]

SIGNS YOU'RE NO LONGER IN COLLEGE...

-- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.

-- Your potted plants stay alive.

-- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.

-- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.

-- You attend parties that the police don't raid.

-- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.

-- You refer to college students as "those kids."

-- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.

-- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.

-- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.

-- Naps are no longer weekday options.

-- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.

-- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.

-- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

 

[skeets]

I just burned 4000 calories.

That's the last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.

 

[ShaunBlake]

I just burned 4000 calories.

That's the last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.

Laughed right out loud... still chuckling!

 

[Daren Todd]

If a horror movie was realistic

https://youtu.be/EeHfwK26OG4

 

[Diydave]

If a horror movie was realistic

https://youtu.be/EeHfwK26OG4

A bit of overkill, I'd just put 2 to CBM

 

[Daren Todd]

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 

[Daren Todd]

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

 

[ShaunBlake]

...
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Well, what did the doctor say? I need to know too, and I'm not even married!

 

[Diydave]

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

Reminds me of the biker fight scene, in smokey and the bandit... I once knocked over a couple of hogs, outside of a diner, in an un named area of the eastern shore of md, in my otherwise unblemished youth...

 

[ShaunBlake]

Reminds me of the biker fight scene, in smokey and the bandit... I once knocked over a couple of hogs, outside of a diner, in an un named area of the eastern shore of md, in my otherwise unblemished youth...

So let me understand: you are attesting that the only blemish on your youth was a single incident in which a couple of hogs were knocked over? What's the matter with this picture?!!

 

[Diydave]

So let me understand: you are attesting that the only blemish on your youth was a single incident in which a couple of hogs were knocked over? What's the matter with this picture?!!

Yep, this site don't have a winking emoticon...

 

[Daren Todd]

Yes it does

 

[skeets]

Perhaps this might be the only blemish you did get caught at,,,lol

 

[Daren Todd]

Well, what did the doctor say? I need to know too, and I'm not even married!

Asked my wife the "nurse", if she new what it was. That was a nope. So we both googled it. Sorry, but the medical term for lazy is................... well..............."lazy "