Feeling Heartbroken

[Kubota_Man]

I am just talking to my Orange friends and am asking for prayers.

Yesterday my Mom's home of 45 years caught fire and was totally destroyed. Luckily she was in town when it started and is physically fine but is an emotional wreck. This is the same home that I grew up in as well as my Brother and Sister. It was 5 houses away from my house. I have many great memories there. She lost most everything several pets, pictures, a car and an out building. one of the most important things that was damaged but salvageable was the American Flag that draped my Dad's coffin an he was an Army Vietnam veteran. I was able to go in before it got too bad and save 2 of her dogs. I wish so dearly I could have gotten more as they were her everything she was living for...

Forgive in advance for this next part as my siblings are on good ol FaceBook and I am trying to save peace and avoid WWIII: And as such I need to vent and I know tractor folks don't judge unless it is about what brand of tractor they own or what brand of oil to use....

I love my Mom however....I am starting to be made to feel like I have no say as to what happens to my Mom, her house or anything else. Both of my siblings live out of state and they know everything there is to know just ask them they will tell you so. It got so bad today that I lost my temper in front of my kids and wife. As most of you know My Wife and I adopted our kids almost 3 1/2 years ago and they came from a place where violence and drugs was common place. I scared my kids today with my outburst of language and actions of getting in the truck and slamming the door. My kids are my everything. I never want them to be scared of me. I do not require praise but a simple thank you for saving the 2 dogs would be nice to hear from my siblings or Mom.

 

[08quadram]

Sorry to hear about the loss. Your mother is ok, that is good. Family can be hard, especially when they are not around for the day to day stuff. Keep your head up, it will work itself out.

Mike

 

[Corney]

Sorry that happened to your mom and your family.

We are fortunate that my clan is supportive and functional as a family should be.

My brides bunch puts the dsy in dysfunctional? It does not help at bad times such as you are going though to not stand together.

All the best to you and yours my tractor brother!

 

[Tooljunkie]

its a devastaing loss. Could have been worse. Be thankful for who and what is left and move on. These things happen, you cant change that but you can always move forward and put it behind you.

I hope for all involved there is some insurance and the claim goes through without too much trouble.

My mom is getting up in age,my wife and i do a lot to help her out, now she agreed to move in with us, now im getting a hard time from my siblings. I see it as less to look after and less worries for my mom.

 

[D2Cat]

Humans trying to communicate is always a challenge!!

It would seem since you are located nearby and want to be involved with the decisions at hand, you would be the one the distant siblings would try/want to coordinate things with.

Maybe after the emotions settle down some and reality becomes clearer everyone can focus on solutions and not each other.

Focus on what you have, not what use to be. Don't do the "what if, and if onlys". The past is past, only look forward.

Kids are flexible, not matter where they came from. One loud incident will not be a long lasting detriment to your relationship.

I think one of the benefits of having pets is their understanding of their masters. I have some cattle that are easier to relate to then some family members, and I'm not kidding!!

 

[torch]

Luckily she was in town when it started and is physically fine but is an emotional wreck.

It is very sad to have lost all those momentoes and especially to have lost the pets, but at a time like this it might be of help to remind yourself that despite the memories they represent and trigger, they are ultimately just things. It is so very fortunate that your mother is safe and sound.

I was able to go in before it got too bad and save 2 of her dogs. I wish so dearly I could have gotten more as they were her everything she was living for...

So you can understand where this next bit comes from: I am a professional firefighter, a Company Officer of 28 years experience with a major metropolitan department. So, without judging:

Please, please don't go back inside a burning building to recover things, or even pets. A fire can transform from a small blaze to an inferno in the blink of an eye, especially once doors are opened. Escape routes are quickly cut off. I have personally recovered too many bodies of those that went back in. Think just how truly devastated your mother would be if she had lost you too!

If that argument is insufficient, then please consider that I can save more of your things if I don't have to expend my available resources looking for you. In fact, I ask everyone reading this to please designate a meeting place outside and ensure all household members know to go there in the event of a fire, so that when the rigs roll up, you can say: Yes, we are all here -- or NO! So-and-so is missing! That is critical information that will shape the officer's next few decisions.

I do not require praise but a simple thank you for saving the 2 dogs would be nice to hear from my siblings or Mom.

Your mom and siblings are obviously having difficulty dealing with the shock and are not yet thinking clearly. So on their behalf: Thanks for saving the dogs.

As for the flare-up: my advise is apologize to your kids, let them know that you were just having trouble with the stress and that you are human too. Better than trying to pretend it didn't happen. But that's just my 2¢.

 

[procraftmike]

You did what you could with trying to save your mom's pets. Don't be too hard on yourself and others shouldn't be as well. I'm sure emotions are running high right now, as you and your family have just experience and major disaster.

Talk to your kids about what happened and why it happened. Turn this into a learning experience for them. They will appreciate and love you more for it.

We are all human. Don't be too hard on yourself.

We can pick our friends, but we can't pick our families. We can just deal with it the best we can.

Hang in there....

 

[coachgeo]

These folk said it well so only can add..... hang in there, be strong yet loving. My condolences to the losses...... My thanks to Heaven and Mother Earth for no loss of human life.

 

[Lil Foot]

I'm sorry for your family's loss, thank God it wasn't worse. Feel proud you were able to rescue the pets you could.
I have some idea of what you mean about family. My FIL recently spent a week in the hospital, then 3 weeks in a care/rehab facility, and my MIL is easily confused, does not handle stress or change well at all, and my wife has had to shoulder the burden of all this while her 5 sisters & one brother don't help at all & complain about how things are being handled. My wife has spent 6-12 hrs a day, every day, since this happened, with little or no help from her siblings. God forbid anything should happen, but if it does, they will all come running with their grubby little paws out. Families can be such a pain.
Hang in there, we appreciate you & your efforts even if they don't.

 

[hodge]

Your kids are resilient, and they've been with you long enough to know you. They may have been shocked, but I bet that it can all be mended, and then some. They've seen anger and violence without remorse, now they can see what remorse and repentance can do for a person. Be transparent, tell them what's on your heart, let them see that dad isn't perfect, but that he tries to do what's right and he loves a perfect God. They will grow from this, like you will.
Praying for you, brother.

 

[TripleR]

Without knowing the issues and hearing it from both sides, we can only offer advice of unknown value; we sure can offer our sympathy though.

I can only echo what others have said. Having gone through and seen a lot of this sort of thing, family can be the greatest source of pleasure or the greatest sort of pain.

Maybe Mother Teresa never "lost it" on anyone, but pretty much all the rest of us have at one time or another especially in such trying times. About all you can do is calmly explain it to your siblings as well as kids. If that works, great, if not just know you tried your best and go on about your life.

I know people in their 90s still holding grudges over stuff that happened 10-50 years ago with some of the principles long dead. Both principals need to be willing, so you can only make peace if both parties are willing and reasonable.

 

[Greenhead]

Grieving is a process. As we know everyone is different but there are basic steps we tend to travel through. Google grieving. You may or may not be in sync with your mom or siblings with this process. It all comes down to time to process this and of course it sucks. As stated by others there are many things to be thankful for. Hold those thoughts close. Use this whole ordeal as a teaching moment for the kids. And hugs for them are good too. This was a very traumatic ordeal for the family, but now it's over. Give yourself permission to grieve.

 

[North Idaho Wolfman]

Sorry to hear of your mom's loss.

Houses, buildings, cars, equipment and mementos and other things are just stuff... Yes sad she lost them but it's just stuff.
Animals be pets or family, now that's another story, prayers to them.

Deep breaths and stepping back from the situation doesn't always work, Your emotions and "showing / expressing stress" is normal, your not a saint, your a son and a parent, just a good talk with the wife, and kids should help tremendously.

 

[Kubota_Man]

Thank you everyone for your kind words, prayers and advice.

 

[CaveCreekRay]

Dittos...

Your kids will appreciate what you are going through as they learn more about what is going on. They'll know you will fight for them as hard as you are willing to fight for your mom. In the end, that will make a huge difference in their world. Sounds like nobody fought for them until you guys stood up.

Good comes from bad. Sometimes its hard to see it at the time. Sibling rivalry and careless comments are really annoying. My wife was always ready to drop everything and help her mom, right up to the end, even though her brothers, who lived closer to her mom, never lifted a hand to help her. In the end, my wife made all the difference to her mom. Didn't always seem like it at the time. The important thing is her mom knew it. That is all that mattered. Your mom will realize that about you too.

Godspeed.

Ray

 

[armylifer]

I cannot add anything of value to what others here have said, except to offer my condolences and to say that I have read some very sound and heartfelt advice here.

As an old retired Army guy myself, I can offer nothing more than a heartfelt prayer to another brother in arms. You have that prayer, brother. Army strong!

 

[tempforce]

sorry about the loss. glad your mom is o.k. if your siblings want to take over and do everything let them. comfort your mother. she knows you've been near her all of these years. helping when you can.
your siblings need some glory to prove their worth. let them have it.
when things settle down, your mom will see and understand that you were just waiting for the fireworks show to get over with.
let her know if she needs to relax and have some quiet time with you and your family. she knows that she's welcome any time and the phones always on.

 

[JohnnyFbomb]

Thanks for saving the dogs, Brother! May God take care of all your mothers and families needs for the rest of days.

 

[Kubota_Man]

Thank you guys

Just an update: One of her dogs has died

She has started to accept what has happened. She has also started to get into the anger stage of her grieving process.

I have set up one of those crowd funding sites (I am still a bit confused exactly how they work) to help her until the insurance settles up. I understand that they (the insurance) may take up to a year or so to get things settled. She will need winter tires/wheels for her car as well as winter clothes and other things to supplement what she has lost. It will be a long haul to get back to some semblance of normal.

Again thank you for your support of me and my Mom. It is much appreciated