A lady was talking to her friend , she said “I pulled out a nose hair last night to see if it hurt.” Her friend asked “Did it hurt?” the lady replied “Judging by how fast my husband woke up screaming it must have been pretty painful …!”
The Patient said “Doctor, doctor , I swallowed a whole bunch of scrabble tiles.” The doctor replied “Wait a bit, your next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster ...”
A man said to his friend, “I saw a nice flock of cows this morning.”
His friend replied “Herd of cows”.
The gentleman replied “Of course I have, they go Mooo”!
I hate it when people can not let go of the past, Debt collectors are the worst.
A fellow told his friend “I just bought a horse!” his friend asked “are you going to race him?” The fellow said “ No, the horse is a lot faster than me.”
At the bank I told the teller “ I would like to open a joint account”. The teller asked “With whom?” I replied, “Some one who has a lot of money…”
I just checked my home insurance policy, If my blanket is stolen at night, I won’t be covered!
I am thinking about buying two dogs and naming them Rolex® and Timex® – they will be watch dogs ...
I was asked to enter a marathon. I said “no, I couldn’t.” the promoter said “Come on , it is for handicapped kids.” - I thought “Maybe I can actually win that …!
And for all of you who received a book from me this Christmas, they are due back at the library tomorrow.